Home Alone 2. North by Northwest. Crocodile Dundee. Arthur. Eloise and her motherfucking Pet Turtle!* New York City’s landmark The Plaza Hotel has been home to many famous scenes over its 103-year history. Yet Charlie Sheen has managed to sully it, as it is now also home to the famous scene that is his most recent (yet stunningly mediocre) coke-and-hookers binge. Which is too bad. There are 10 better hotels in New York for Charlie Sheen to do this in. They are:
8. The Ritz Carlton, Battery Park: Due to its close proximity to the Financial District, The Ritz in Battery Park is no stranger to hosting people with way too much money to spend on yayo and prostitutes to huff it off of. Also, in the Battery, nobody can hear you go loco on los drogas, or at least less people than one would at, say, the Plaza. It’s not exactly an overpopulated part of town. Actually, it’s desolate. The only caveat to this is that now anyone within stumbling distance of Ground Zero is now, according to certain Americans, actually at Ground Zero, and Charlie ought to be careful desecrating that sacred ground from that (or any) distance. That said, if he’s into it, there’s a strip club closer to Ground Zero than the proposed “Ground Zero Mosque.” Surely he can find some friends to go get blasted with over there.
7. The Times Square Hilton: This hotel is generally filled to the brim with ridiculous tourists and their ridiculous children who for some reason think staying in Times Square is a good idea. This hotel literally sits right over a subway station and a Broadway theater. Outside of your hotel are some of the brightest, most epilepsy-inducing lights in New York City, and a TOYS R’ US, too. After picking up some board games next door, Sheen can likely do as much blow as he pleases with as many women and/or pillows as he wants, while screaming about the “GODDAMN ANTS! ALL OF YOU!” down below him as he watches the Reuters billboard flash away between Twister rounds, because it’s the only place in New York where he will not be the biggest shitshow in a square-mile radius.
6. The Ace Hotel: This BoHo haven in NoMad (or: North of Madison Square Park) has an Opening Ceremony boutique right under it. In it, they sell a bunch of Criterion Collection DVDs and perfect-fit clothing for people who are coke-fiend-skinny, so you can dress your coke concubine up in rags of Commes Des Garcons when you’re not lecturing her on how Two and a Half Men is actually about Seven Samaurai. It’s also positioned as a “rock and roll” hotel, and has a Stumptown Coffee inside of it (for when you need that extra pep between dealer re-ups) that basically makes this place the homiest, coziest coke den in town for Charlie to get Charlie’d.
5. The Jane Hotel: This Eric Goode/Sean MacPherson den of hotelier rebellion is the closest thing to a downtown hotspot New Yorkers have had since The Beatrice Inn closed (unless you count Don Hill’s — in decent proximity — reopening). The Jane is less of a hotel than it is a hipster hostel, which means finding blow and/or conscripting people to do it with him wouldn’t be an issue for Charlie, and there’s probably a hidden bill charge if you don’t leave some kind of residue on your way out. For Charlie, it gets two nostrils up.
4. Hotel Le Jolie: And speaking of the H-Bomb (no, Chuck, not that one, hopefully), the parents of Williamsburg’s hipsters are often forced by their loveless children who don’t feel like “going into the city” to “see the fucking Lion King” into staying here, at Le Jolie. Not necessarily the best place for noise if Broseph Cool’s parents are next to you, but it is in Kleenex-box tossing distance of Willaimsburg’s de-facto Ground Zero, the infamous Union Pool. It’s also right by the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, where Sheen might find some of the more “savory” characters for his exploits in this city right below the overpass, like a Bargain Bin of Venereal-Diseased Enablers.
3. International JFK Airport Hotel: If you want one place even those pesky paparazzi wouldn’t even bother to venture, it’s here. There really isn’t shit else do but blow, except for maybe crack. This will ideally provide enough incentive for one to stay in their hotel, away from the dangerous of getting that nose candy crystallized.
2. The Bowery Hotel: This glamoupuss pad is right by the old CBGB space, where a John Varvatos outlet sits, ready to retail even the most washed-out, strung-out, but well-financed former “rock star” of any regard. It’s also on The — yes, “the!” — Bowery, one of the few places in Manhattan you can still find the occasional “authentic” crackhead below 92nd Street. They have an impeccable DVD selection, of which, they will bring DVD’s up to your room, which you may then — along with your wicker lawn furniture — toss off your Christmas Light-adorned balcony onto the young, coked-up revelers at the Bowery Hotel Bar patio below you. Seven out of ten times, they will not mind.
1. The Cooper Square Hotel: It’s right across the street from the Village Voice offices. Ring us when you check in. We can’t promise to help you with your luggage, but there are plenty of people in the neighborhood to assist you with your bags. By which we mean we’d love to give you a tour of the place. Did you know the Foursquare guys are upstairs? It’s true. They’ll teach you how to become the “mayor” of your own nasal cavities. You know what they say: location, location, location.
*As it turns out, Betsy Johnson already ruined this for most of us. That said — full disclosure — this blogger is apparently going as Skipperdee (said turtle) for Halloween.