New York

Exclusive Interview With Molly Equality Dykeman


Molly Equality Dykeman is a butch security guard who writes poetry on the side.

She also happens to be the creation of comic Andrea Alton, who’s livened up many an event in several boroughs with this and other wonderfully oddball creations.

Alton generously allowed me a private chat with hardballin’ Molly, which garnered the following nuggets:

Me: Hi, Molly. I know you’re a dyke, but are you a lesbian?

Molly: I’m 99 percent dyke, 1 percent lesbian, ’cause I turn into a little sissy girl when I see spiders.

Me: What do you find hot in a woman?

Molly: I find nearly all women hot. It don’t matter if they’re fat, skinny, dumb, smart, or have an unruly beard growing upstairs or downstairs. The only women I don’t find hot are members of the Tea Party and those who don’t believe in marriage equality. To those ladies, you can go fuck yourself ’cause I’m not going to.

Me: Is that all?

Molly: I also find labia hot, but that’s kind of redundant cause everybody already knows that. If a woman likes chicken fingers, Percocet, and my poetry, she’s probably my soulmate.

Me: Are you the only security guard who dabbles in poetry?

Molly: “Dabbles” implies “one not deeply engaged in or concerned with something.” I don’t dabble in poetry. Poetry is my life. Therefore I’m not gonna answer your douchebag question. Secondly, how the fuck should I know? Do I look like I know every security guard in the world?

Me: Actually, you do. Do people ever make fun of you for your mullet or orange neon vest?

Molly: Sometimes people make snide comments about my mullet, but I honestly don’t give a fucking shit. I’m usually pretty high so their comments barely register. Also, my fucked-up parents raised me with a strong sense of self so I don’t really care what other people think.

Me: Very cool! Don’t hurt me, Molly.

Molly: As far as my orange neon safety vest goes, I think the word “safety” says it all. People feel safe around me and no harm shall come to anyone while they are in the presence of Molly Equality Dykeman. Furthermore, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell your three readers that I’m currently looking for a booking agent who’s not a dumbass, a girlfriend who’s only a little psycho, and someone that has access to a prescription pad.

Photos: Syd London

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