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Election Day! It’s the opportunity for We, The People to have our voices heard, as we vote for people who likely have nothing but contempt for us and self-interest at heart, who aren’t even the best people for the job, because anyone with a functioning brain knows the Good Money and the Good Power will never not be in the private sector. That said, we’ve got a few tips as you head to the election booth today. Democracy, now!
THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS
DO: Vote, if only because you will inevitably end up embroiled in some political discussion over the next two years, and you don’t get to say shit if you didn’t. Politics is full of liars and hypocrites and people who don’t get anything done. It doesn’t need to start with us.
DON’T: Tell people you didn’t vote. Just lie about it. It’ll make everyone feel better and you’re the one who has to sleep well at night.
POLLING PLACE ETIQUETTE
DO: Make sure your vote is counted. Most of us don’t have any employees who work under us. So if it seem like there are shenanigans where you are voting, take it in your own hands! Those people work for you, America. Take the opportunity to enforce your authority as a voter.
DON’T: Be That Asshole. There’s always that one person causing a ruckus, making everyone irritable because he or she thinks there’s some greater conspiracy at hand to ensure that their vote isn’t counted. You are one person. You are one voter. Your vote doesn’t mean more than anybody else’s. Get over yourself. Dick.
DO: Use Your Polling Place As A Singles Pickup Spot. Don’t feel bad about this. You’re going out of your way to take part in Democracy, which is kind of your obligation but should leave you feeling pretty great about yourself anyway. You’re on top of your game. Why not talk to that cute girl about how terribly this senior citizens’ home smells? Why not get that hot guy to ask you out on a date? You both have something in common: civic responsibility. And hormones.
DON’T: Sleaze. Just because you’re voting doesn’t make you Sam Fucking Seaborne. Prick.
ALSO DON’T: Check in on Foursquare. You are a dork. And you will not become the “Mayor” of Anything Important today. You voted? Great, thanks for letting us know, by which we mean nobody cares unless you get that girl’s number.
ON THE BALLOT
DO: Vote Correctly. The only thing easier than voting is being the willing recipient of oral sex on a camping trip. This system practically votes for you. Also, if it takes you any longer than 30 minutes, either you’re wasted or your pen/genitalia is broken.
DON’T: Vote For The Whore, The Psychopath, Or Anything That Looks “Fun” To Vote For. Yes, we’re telling you how not to vote. There’s a marijuana leaf by Kristen Davis — the whore madam’s name — because she’s running for Governor of New York under the Whore Party or something. If you waste your vote on her or that “The Rent Is Too Damn High” jackass, you’re encouraging people to only further their own lame celebrity. They’re not subverting democracy and neither are you. Go color in a bubble next to a Marijuana leaf at your job, or somewhere nobody else cares. Make a vote that makes a statement other than “I Take South Park Very Seriously.”
ALSO DON’T: Vote For Someone Just Because They’re In Your Party, Like Vito Lopez. If you actually have a strong desire to make a statement about the state of Democracy, use a low-to-mid-stakes election where your candidate is a corrupt piece of shit instituting the self-serving nature of your local politicians, and write in someone you’d sincerely rather have that job. Like as was the case for this blogger and the election of Brooklyn Democratic Party Boss Vito Lopez, who is a piece of shit no matter what party you’re in. I voted for my friend Andrew Krucoff. You could vote for your Dad. Or your Mom. Or Eliot Spitzer. Or yourself! Or NYC The Blog! Or that “People is people!” guy from The Muppets Take Manhattan. You are allowed at least one “innocuous” vote in order to make a statement about Democracy at-large so long as the other guy isn’t a complete Nazi and you need to show the people who represent your personal politics who’s boss without losing too much power. And who is boss? YOU, you bad motherfucker. Get out there and Make America Happen!