Small businesses in America are — as we learned in last night’s midterm elections — struggling! No doubt, the ability for everyday Americans to work for themselves and make money being called into question will move political mountains, but politicians also need Americans to work hard and work well in order for the whole small business thing to work, pun unintended! One livery cab driver in Brooklyn obviously doesn’t get this.
If 37-year-old Demetrios Apolonides wants to make any money in this town with the “KILL JEWS” notes he left around Nassau County that resulted in his arrest yesterday, he’s gonna have to learn a few Steps for Small Business Success, which — because we’re patriots — we’ll give to him for free:
- Paper-tears: The Blasé Business No-No. They don’t show active interest on behalf of the businessperson.
- You gotta spend money to make money. You need something flashier, that shows that you want to people to pay for your services, that you care about your business. 12-point Helvetica on .5cm cardstock would’ve worked wonders here, especially if they came perforated.
- Don’t be afraid to “Peacock.” A business’s shine starts with its businessperson’s shine. Maybe “HATE U JEW” or “‘Fuck Outta Here: JEWS” or “JEW CAN GO DIE” would’ve been more dynamic messages, here. Also, what about 12-point Helvetica…on magnets? Or even a USB drive! Don’t be afraid to think outside the box.
- But don’t forget the details. How will anyone other than the cops find you if you forget to put your contact information on your advertising? Duh!
- Unless the details are magic. If this is a viral ad campaign, you obviously don’t need our help at this point.
- And make sure to remember your customer. You live IN BROOKLYN, buddy. The only other place you’re gonna find a higher concentration of Jews on the Eastern Seaboard is at the Too Jay’s in Boca around early September. This was obviously not a well-considered marketing campaign.
- Mind your expenses! Those pesky legal fees are gonna cost a pretty penny!
- And remember: Community First, always. Though given The World Today — so crazy! — you’re probably going to get an ACLU-supporting Jewish lawyer, and will thus be giving money back into “the community”, much to the joy of irony-fetishists everywhere.
Finally: Don’t be a racist psychopath asshole who exhibits or threatens violent tendencies. The world needs less of them, and we’re fine without your contributions to the economy, or civilization in general. You cock-eyed dick.