Hm. The U.S. Forest Service has discovered that neighborhoods with big trees in the yards and on the streets (trees on the streets?) experienced less crime than homes with smaller trees. This study was done at the Pacific Northwest Research Station, however, which means it might not compare similarly in New York City, where all we have, for the most part, are small trees…unless you’re in the Central Park Ramble, alone, in the middle of the night, dangling diamonds off your arm. Ooh, so maybe it’s the opposite here?
Be advised, though: “Small trees may aid criminals by providing hiding places for criminals and obstructing views.” Good to know. Though why a criminal is not better obscured by a large tree, we can’t tell you. The criminal mind! It’s devious!
Also, as a rule, robbers tend to like to go after folks who are walking around not paying any attention to their surroundings and jabbering away on their cell phones to ex-boyfriends while also being nearly blind-drunk.
Also, we heard once that they’re less likely to go after folks carrying umbrellas, so we always carry an umbrella, unless we forget because we’re blind-drunk and jabbering away on our cell phones. But we learned in self-defense class that if you jab your thumb into an attacker’s eyeball an inch deep, they will totally pass out.
Don’t try this stuff at home.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on November 3, 2010