What is happening to everyone? This week, two prominent blog posts about regrets people have surfaced on the Internet. One, made up of all stripes of reader submissions at the New York Times CityRoom blog, the other, via The Hairpin, made up of women in their 30s’ submissions at AOL’s Lemondrop. They are easily Two of The Most Miserable Blog Posts Ever Written. To make everything better, we packaged that information into a handy guide to help you not regret your life.
Yes, this is all really from those two blog posts.
Sometimes we do nice things.
You will never regret reading this.
How Not to Regret Your Life in 23 Easy Steps, by the Internet
1. Don’t get married.
2. If you do get married, you’ll regret getting divorced even more. Don’t get divorced and stick it out through the hard times.
3. But you’ll regret staying married if your marriage sucks, too. So don’t do that, either.
4. Don’t get into a shitty undergraduate program. You’ll regret not getting into a better school.
5. Don’t go to an Ivy League college, though. It’s uber-competitive and you will never achieve the life and work success of your Ivy League classmates. Especially if you’re fat.
6. If you’re fat, don’t avoid talking to that girl whose is awesome but also fat. You will probably always be fat and then you will be lonely. You will also progress from neurotic to nearly psychotic, and work as a broker at Morgan Stanley for 11 years, at which point the economy will fuck you out of a job. This is, of course, after you’ve been out of a six-year stint in psychotherapy on Thorazine.
6. If you get married, have the kid. It might grow up to hate you but at least you prolonged the inevitable end of your marriage, unless you decide to live miserably and stick it out.
7. Don’t cheat on your significant other even if you feel locked into your pitiful existence of domestic monotony with the child you didn’t plan and didn’t abort/give up for adoption/find a way to rid yourself of. It’ll never work with the person you cheat on your spouse with, she’ll leave you for “casino suits,” his/her life will get more miserable, and your kid (or kids) will have totally dysfunctional lives while you seek penance from spiritual pilgrimages, the money from which you could spend on better vacations were you not such a sinner.
8. Don’t stay with your spouse if they’re cheating on you. You’ll waste eight years of your life. Maybe more.
9. Don’t leave your job, even if you’re at “the top of your game.” The company’s going to cash out and you could’ve been a millionaire.
10. Don’t leave your job in another country to move to America. You’ll hate it here. Haven’t you read Netherland?
11. If you get into an Ivy League school, don’t “waste” your education. You’ll have a degree that means something to everyone else but that also means nothing to you, like the rest of your life.
12. If you get into an Ivy League school, don’t “waste” your education…on something you care about. You’ll have a degree that means something to you but that also means nothing to everyone else, like the rest of your life.
13. Don’t encourage that bitch/asshole friend of yours to move to your neighborhood. It’s great having friends around until they try to sleep with your spouse/you want to sleep with theirs.
14. Don’t cheat on your spouse and continue to stay married/have that child. You’ll keep staring at it for years to make sure he actually looks like the guy you married.
15. Don’t ever have make-up sex. You might end up having another kid you’re bound to make miserable.
16. Don’t forget to join AmeriCorps. At the end of your selfish, secure life, you’ll have never seen anything or done anything for anybody else who you don’t know.
17. Make more money. What, you wanna go join AmeriCorps or something? Good luck being broke.
18. Don’t get comfortable in your marriage. Since it’s probably going to end anyway, the last thing you want to be when it ends is fat and lonely. Also, it’ll probably end if you get fat and you don’t want that, do you?
19. Don’t forget to take the time to see the person you gave permission to die even though you can’t stand to see them die. The lost guilt and opportunity to be there for this person in their final moments will haunt you forever despite this being the last person who would ever truly be there for you anyway. And if you’re the kind of person who abandons someone like this, good luck getting someone who won’t abandon you to love you. Haven’t you seen Angels in America?
20. Don’t tell him you’re pregnant. Sure, you want your kids to have a father so they don’t grow up more likely to be fucked up — something you will surely regret — but do you want that guy?
21. Don’t have a terrible mother or father. The one you like will inevitably die before the one you hate.
22. Don’t forget to be confident. Hey, you’re YOU. Life will surely turn out well, right? Wake up every day with the confidence that you won’t regret anything in life.
23. Don’t not have regrets. You know those people who say they don’t have any regrets in life? You’re probably not one of them. And if you deny yourself the misery now it’ll come back later.