There is stupid crime. And then there is hilarious crime. Which is also sort of stupid, but also hilarious, and…you can’t make this shit up. Yesterday a baggy-pants-wearing teen in Brooklyn shoved a 12-pound turkey breast (priced at $84!) in his sweatpants in an attempt to steal it. Grocery clerks, however, were not swayed by his ruse.
He’s got a big turkey in his pants!” Fine Fare Grocery cashier Michelle Benjamin yelled to butcher Sergio Marte, who chased down alleged poultry poacher Deon Williams, 19, outside the Marcus Garvey Boulevard store.
“I don’t want to touch you — just give me the turkey!” Marte demanded.
Then Williams released the turkey from his pants, and when Marte tried to retrieve it, Williams punched him in the jaw.
The worst part of the story:
As for the turkey, it went right back on the shelf.
Where, presumably, no one asked it how it felt about any of this. Related: One time Williams tried to steal seven cans of Red Bull, also by way of his pants.
Related to that: Turkey pants actually exist. Please, never wear them.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on November 5, 2010