My Foolproof Rules for Bicycle Safety


And I oughta know!

*Main thing: Be aware of parked cars flinging their doors open. If you get hit, you will be propelled into traffic and die. This is not advisable.

*Also be aware of the traffic itself. Try to ride halfway between the parked cars and the oncoming trucks and you’ll probably be OK. You have to be a master mathematician just to ride to the grocery store.

*Try always going the right way and stopping at red lights. Come on, try.

*Never find yourself in the middle of a multi-lane road. That is absolutely harrowing and you’re way better off on one side or the other, preferably the side with the bike lane.

*Don’t ride on the side where there’s a lot of foliage. Rats can jump out and scare you so badly, you’ll be propelled into traffic and, you know, die.

*Please remember that even if you follow these rules, most bike riders don’t. Watch out as they barrel towards you, speeding through a red light and not even giving you the right of way.

Most insultingly of all, they have helmets and all sorts of other gear on as if they give a shit about safety!