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How to Get Through Airport Security: A Step-By-Step Guide

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Let’s just say it’s been a rough couple of weeks for the TSA. With complaints coming in daily regarding inappropriate pat-downs and remarks by TSA advisers, and a growing criticism for the full-body scanners now in place in airports throughout the country, antagonism continues to spark among travelers dissatisfied with the latest in security measures. Luckily for you we’ve devised a step-by-step guide on how to get past security unharmed unarmed just in time for the holiday season:

1. Prior to flying, do not Tweet about “blowing the airport sky-high.”

2. It’s difficult, but try to resist packing the following items: gel-shoe inserts, large ink cartridges, vehicle airbags, gel-type candles, meat cleavers, nunchakus, liquid bleach, and most importantly — snow globes. (Perhaps the TSA should instead prohibit any and all items that could possibly make a weekend at the in-law’s a bit more interesting.)

3. Refrain from having tattoos that say “bomb,” “bombs,” “Al Qaeda,” “chemical warfare,” or any combination of the above. Even if your childhood nickname wasatom bomb,” the TSA does not care. You will not be getting through security. Perhaps you should invest in some of this.

4. Just…leave Skip at home this time.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, be a young, attractive, teenage girl.

6. Looking for a bit of mood music to listen to while waiting in line? Try this playlist.

7. If at any time throughout the full-body scanning procedure you feel uncomfortable thinking about a man or woman seeing a photo of your naked body, okay — an “X-ray image“, tell the TSA you “opt out.”

8. In the event that you do “opt out,” your second option is a “pat-down” from a TSA officer. Side note: unless you have ten thousand dollars to spare, now is when you shouldn’t pull a John Tyner.

9. If all else fails, wear a kilt. Easy, breezy, and beautiful. The TSA will be thanking you in no time for making their job that much easier.

10. Oh, and if you’re Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, go ahead and just skip the whole process!

Safe travels!

[atimm@villagevoice.com]

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