Four Loko, Under Absurd Political Assault, Soon to Be Banned by FDA.


Sen. Chuck Schumer already won the war against crazyjuice booze drink Four Loko in New York, as it’s soon to be banned statewide. But what about the rest of America? In all fifty United States, no Four Loko is safe.

The Wall Street Journal via Business Insider takes note of a Schumer press release explaining that the FDA is well on their way to banning the Beverage of Satanic-Impulse-Driven Children Everywhere™ thanks to…Sen. Chuck Schumer:

The Food and Drug Administration is poised to rule that caffeine is an unsafe additive for alcoholic beverages, Mr. Schumer, a fierce critic of the products, said in a news release. The Federal Trade Commission, meanwhile, plans to notify manufacturers of the drinks that “they are engaged in the potential illegal marketing of unsafe alcoholic drinks,” Mr. Schumer’s release stated. “This ruling should be the nail in the coffin of these dangerous and toxic drinks,” Mr. Schumer said. “Parents should be able to rest a little easier.”

Parents who let their kids on a long enough leash to get ahold of Four Loko in the first place? Schumer’s war on the drink was a political play when it started — he found a pop culture trope, exploited it for political gain in the form of quasi-moralism, and got his name out there on a national level in doing so — and every step he takes towards pressuring everyone to make it go away makes this power play even more transparent than it was to begin with. Now he’s just harshing our buzz. The fact of the matter is that if you’re irresponsible and deranged and enough of a mischievous drunkass to drink Four Loko to begin with, chances are, you’ll find something even worse and shadier to get crunk on than some caffeinated booze. Why doesn’t Sen. Schumer get parents who let their kids drink Four Loko banned? Oh, that’s right: because they can vote for him.