Goose Murderers: We Know What You Did Last Summer


You may have put it out of your mind temporarily, in an effort to heal, but you should never forget. We’re talking about those hundreds of geese (and baby geese!) brutally murdered over the summer because they might “accidentally” fly into planes. According to the Brooklyn Paper, they “were only the tip of the goose-berg”!

Besides the horrors of that particular pun, there is this, revealed by new documents:

Federal agents rounded up a total of 1,676 geese from 19 locations in the city and Nassau County — apparently making last summer’s operation the largest intentional waterfowl extermination in city history.

The ill-fated birds were taken to JFK Airport, “where they were gassed, bagged, and discarded… The goose-filled Dumpsters were then hauled to an incinerator in Garden City.” [Here, we echo Gothamist’s query, “Speaking of JFK, why is there a gas chamber there?”]

Making matters worse, or at least, more suspicious, and thereby far more damaging to those who perpetrated the goose-deaths, the Brooklyn Paper reports that the gathering of the birds in July was done, as is any covert op worth its salt, “under cover of darkness,” and as Laura Francoeur, the chief wildlife biologist for the Port Authority, wrote in a highly ominous-sounding email,

“JFK ops will also coordinate your arrival each day to avoid any unwanted attention.”

Dastardly. Devious. And far more sophisticated than the secret ops of those Russian spies we deported the very same summer. In fact, we still don’t know how far the goose-killing goes…

Despite all these revelations, the feds remain tight-lipped about the details of their goose eradication plan, which, records show, could encompass nearly the entire city.

There’s a rumor that goose-gassing may even be extended to the Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge next year, which just seems kind of unfair. Geese, you heard it here. Get out while the getting’s good. Or at least pretend to be a turkey until all this blows over.