Four Loko, known as “liquid crack” to certain admirers, was officially banned this weekend, no longer to be delivered to your friendly neighborhood bodega after December 10. Unlike just any garden variety booze, Four Loko didn’t only make people sick — it made them insane! We’ve compiled our five favorite (a/k/a most disturbing) Loco-Loko offenders, so that future generations can see how dumb we really were.
The Naked Break-and-Entry Rug Pooper
A woman arrived home to find “the shock of her life”: a stark naked burglar passed out on her couch and pots and pans and bloody towels in her sink. The 21-year-old man, high on the Loko, had apparently been wandering around her neighborhood nude all night, busy with assorted adventures including a stop by a vacant house where he left “a special deposit” on a rug. Ominously, he claimed to police that “he didn’t remember anything…except drinking a can of Four Loko.”
The Horny Multiple House Home-Wrecker
A Reddit poster shared this story about his worst adventure with Four Loko:
I started the night off with a 4loko, having never tried one before. 20 minutes later, and the vile blue beverage was finished.
It gave me a thirst, a thirst to consume much, much more alcohol. The hours went by and so did the shots and beers. In my now heavily inebriated state, I was offered some Adderall from a friend’s girlfriend. Having drank and done Adderall before, and having had great nights from it, I relished the chance and quickly went into the bathroom with said friend’s girlfriend to cut up some lines.
One thing led to another, and we end up having sex in the bathroom. Dirty, primal, drunken, animal sex. Needless to say we were rather loud, and everyone at the party could hear us… Including my girlfriend at the time and my friend whose girlfriend I was boning.
I ruined 2 relationships that night, one being mine. A total of 2.5 years between the two couples, all gone, all because of me and 4loko.
Well…Come on, dude…everybody knows the blue flavor is the worst.
The Not-Gay Weightlifter
“Cameron” from Fourlokostories, a website where readers share their Four Loko-themed experiences, had this to say:
One night I had two and a half lokos. So I did three sets of squat thrusts and got inspired to get a quadruple dragon tattooed on my torso. I took pictures of myself in front of a poster of a naked man in a provocative pose to show my friends my tattoo, and now they all think I’m gay. I don’t need them though, as long as I got you Loko!
And now, Cameron does not have Loko. What he does have are his four dragons. And a lifetime of squat thrusts to embrace.
The Loko Nerd
A Gizmodo fanboy submitted this rather awkward Four Loko account (and moral dilemma) last month:
Last weekend I drank like eight cans of Four Loko at a party and got hammered. I don’t really remember, but I must’ve grabbed a couple Xbox games from the apartment that was hosting the party because I woke up with my clothes on with Two Worlds and Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust shoved down my pants. Do I return the games and risk ruining this friendship or just pretend it never happened?
If stealing video games is your only moral issue, you’re pretty a-okay in our books. Especially compared to the next crazy person…
The Worst “Cool Dad” Ever
Carman Brancato, a 43-year-old father of seven children, decided to try Four Loko this summer with his older son. After he finished his first he proceeded to drink another half of one — with no idea a hallucinogenic episode was about to unfold. His wife told CBS Philly:
“In his mind, he had harmed all of our kids and he had to kill me and kill himself so that we could go to heaven to take care of them.”
Nothing actually happened to his kids, fortunately, and Brancato soon passed out due to convulsions. His son gave him CPR and he completely recovered from the incident.
Okay, yeah, maybe this stuff should be banned after all. At least for anybody over 40.
More:Make It Stop