It’s pretty much guaranteed that if you’re going to spend a prolonged or shorter amount of time with any immediate or distant family members over the upcoming holiday, you’re going to have to channel all that togetherness and enforced thankfulness into something a little more dysfunctional at some point. But instead of feeling bad about yourself for ruining the dinner when you announce…
a) You’re never getting married because why would you ever want to continue the loveless and hypocrisy-filled cycle that is your parents’ existence?
b) You’re pregnant…and, no, there is no “boyfriend”
c) That vegan turkey is, just, fetid
d) Thanks…for all the BULLSHIT!
e) Grampa/the baby/that weird neighbor who keeps touching you really smells
…you should feel no small sense of honor to be carrying on a tradition that’s been handed down by as many generations as will have controlled their gag reflexes by sheer force of will when vegan turkey has its 100th birthday sometime down the pike of the future. Even the New York Post says it’s true: According to lady-site iVillage.com, 68 percent of women predict fights for Thanksgiving.
iVillage’s readers say the fights will likely be about “money; not liking the food; the hostess complaining she’s doing all the work; people who drink too much; and being bored.” (Other reasons might include any of the above, plus running out of booze, and your relatives asking if you’ve put on a few.)
Instead of the namby-pamby advice to “not let things bother you” and “prepare yourself mentally” generally suggested, however, we’d suggest a full-out Thanksgiving rage fest, complete with plate-throwing and bottle-breaking, and then a hasty exit with screeching tires. Just don’t cut yourself or any immediate family members. Seriously, you’ll feel so much better, and the rest of those assholes will be thankful you left. Also: Punches mean love.
P.S.: Don’t drink and drive. Nothing takes the fun out of a nice, healthy, insult-filled Thanksgiving more than someone dying.