Presidential Pardoned Turkeys Screwed Out of Trip to Disneyland


Today President Obama did his annual Thanksgiving thing in the Rose Garden, reflecting on our grand holiday traditions and wishing Americans a happy turkey-day. And, most importantly, pardoning some turkeys.

This year’s lucky birds are named Apple and Cider. Although they mostly prefer to remain private, we do know they’re 21 weeks old, 45 pounds, and were named by California schoolkids in a contest. They’ve been staying at the W Hotel in D.C. pre-pardon.

And now, lives secured, they’re headed to George Washington’s old home at Mount Vernon, where they’ll “live out the rest of their days at the livestock facility” even though the turkeys pardoned BEFORE them all got free trips to Disneyland.

Sucks to be a turkey.