Happy Thanksgiving! Time to be thankful you don’t own any of these items. Here, we’ve identified the 9 Thanksgiving-themed tchotchkes that frighten us the most. (Sorry to the creators of said items, but we are thankful that you possess the genius and home craftsmanship/manufacturing prowess to have come up with these things so we might mock them. Because they are a very special kind of awesome.)
The “Sweater for All Seasons”
This is the quattro stagioni of holiday sweaters, granting you with September, October, November, and December, all on one shirt front. Not content to be simply hideous, this sweater must also be ECONOMICAL. Yet, despite being pre-owned, it costs $99 (on eBay). Well, you would get a lot of use out of it, as the prior owner can likely attest. Face-Melty Indian Wine Stoppers
Available on Etsy.com from someone known as hunbun22, these “cute little wine stoppers” are touted as a “great inexpensive gift.” Plus, looking into their soulless holes-for-eyes, you may experience something of a transcendent experience. But…is this even P.C.? We hear you’re not supposed to say “Indian-style” anymore. Still — the cork is recycled! Act fast: There’s just one available. Or, maybe Timmy the Folk Art turkey is more your style? Super XXL Sexy Poultry Charm
Another Etsy offering, from WHYTRASH, is touted, seriously, as “a super XXL sexy grilled chicken charm” that’s “baked with love” and “100% handmade.” Looks like turkey to us. But for $14, who cares? Ugly Turkey Picture That Will Make You Go Vegetarian
This rendering of a too-close-for-comfort gobbler face will make you uncomfortable, just as any good art should. In fairness, the artist, Sue Taylor, seems aware that it’s ugly. It’s also on sale. Make her an offer! Truly Unfortunate Turkeys
Oh no. And this one, too.
The Horn of Plenty Neck-Bib
This is a 5-piece set, which means you are SO outnumbered. $54 takes your new friends — who will probably try to possess you — home. Hand-painted, obviously. Oh, and there’s plenty more where they came from. Dismembered Turkey Head Salt and Pepper Shakers
Even worse from this angle. Happy holidays!