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The Runnin’ Scared Gift Guide: 100 Presents for the Drunks, Exes, Neurotics, Sex Fiends, and Loved Ones on Your List

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So many gift guides, so little time. But how many lists of gifts under $50, or gifts for moms-to-be, or gifts for boyfriends and girlfriends and dogs can you really look at before wondering, where is the gift guide to end all gift guides? Where is the gift guide for the curmudgeons, cougars, and deviant social miscreants in your life, the people you actually have no idea what to buy? Well, HERE IT IS.

1. For the unabashed drunk who’s ahead of the curve: A bulk supply of Jameson juice boxes. What, they don’t actually exist? Someone, make this happen. Please. In the meantime, how about this 64-ounce half-gallon giant stainless-steel party flask?

2. For the slightly abashed drunk. Stanley Classic Flask.

3. For the very abashed drunk. The Good Book flask-hider, with flask inside.

4. For the cougar on your block: Justin Bieber Action Figures. Also, it goes without saying, but injectables are never not appreciated.

5. For the adult whose taste buds never grew up: Adult chocolate milk (40 proof), Whipped Lightning (36 proof), CREAM (30 proof). Drunken pre-diabetic sugar high? A gift that keeps giving.

6. For the anti-TSA activist: 4th Amendment underwear, with which to shock and school those prying TSA wonks.

7. For the white trash second cousin twice removed through incest: Stoker’s Wintergreen Chewing Tobacco, a/k/a, Big azz green can of dip.

8. For that smelly, crunchy hippie in your ride share: All natural yet POWERFUL underpits cream from Soapwalla.

9. For the lady-blogger: Blogger Writer dress.

10. For the hypochondriacal mess: Yes, You’re Probably Dying (A Hypochondriac’s Key to Worst-Case Scenarios).

11. For the nearsighted pharma junkie: Pill bottle magnifier.

12. For the experimental sandwich-eater: Giada De Laurentiis’ cast iron panini maker.

13. For the commuting neurotic: Subway grippers.

14. For the crazy cat lady: Miss Moggs 2011 Cat Calendar.

15. For the dog person who for some reason escapes being called crazy because he likes dogs instead of cats: Boo the Dog Calendar.

16. For the relative you are secretly attracted to: A donation in his/her name to CousinCouples.com. Just ‘cuz.

17. For the person who’s pretending to cut back on the caffeine in 2011: Keurig One-Cup Coffee Maker.

18. For your Secret Santa: Things from your co-worker’s desk that he got for free and, like, nobody’s using anyway. Like, say, an Obama vibrator. Or Teh Itteh Bitteh Book of Kittehs.

19. For the person who’s always asking “Do these pants make my butt look big?”: The adult onesie.

20. For the adorable couple: His and hers possessive pillowcases set.

21. For the person who claims, “Don’t get me anything,” but you know is really lying: Norman Copenhagen Move pill box. If you’re real nice, put something in it.

22. For the person who would like to hold the whole world in his or her hands, if only figuratively and for a brief moment: BlueIQ miniature ecosystem.

23. For the person who sleeps with his/her “CrackBerry,” and actually calls it a “CrackBerry”: A custom-designed Swarovski-crystal encrusted monogrammed faceplate, plus, a punch in the face.

24. For that dude who won’t shut up about how awesome Groundhog Day was: The many (38, to be exact) days of Groundhog.

25. For the creepy Kennedy conspiracist: Lee Harvey Oswald and Kennedy assassination memorabilia. 26. For the pedophile in training person who really likes Barbies: Camera-equipped “Video Barbie Girl.”

27. For the copy editor. “Our Coach Miss You” couch pillow [sic].

28. For the person married to a copy editor, who just so happens to be quite literal: Married to a Copy Editor tote bag.

29. For your kid’s teacher, apple not included: Apple jacket.

30. For the inner (or outer) monologist: S&M mouth gag.

31. For the inner-90s raver: 100-pack of assorted glowsticks.

32. For the bedbug-averse: An adorable bedbug sniffing dog. Or an exterminator.

33. For the person you are pity-fucking: This is where you can really go DIY.

34. For the necrophiliac oenophile: The Merlot coffin wine holder.

35. For that person no one is related to who will be there anyway on Christmas Day: “Why Are You Here — Right Now?” Free for download.

36. For the undead: Zombie Christmas tree ornament.

37. For your dog park friends: Dogs sniffing butts print.

38. For that cartographer you know: Well, maps, obviously.

39. For the lover of meta-kitsch: The Christmas sweater on a Christmas sweater.

40. For your pet-sitter: A glorious portrait of your pet.

41. For the taxidermist in training: One-of-a-kind Victorian-inspired taxidermy shadow box “The Tortoise and the Hare.”

42. For the person you started dating in December: Box of 1,440 condoms from Canada, because you care enough to send the very best.

43. For your web editor: A list of 100 holiday gift items, page breaks included.

44. For the person who ensures that you have money to buy all of these presents a/k/a, your boss: What, just showing up isn’t enough?

45. For the person who can’t seem to get up in the morning and who you would perhaps like to torture: Clocky or Tocky, alarm clocks that run away from you while making crazy OH-MY-GOD-PLEASE-MAKE-IT-STOP noises.

46. For the New York hater who lives in New York. One-way bus ticket to anywhere but here.

47. For the person who desperately wants to move to New York: Muji’s New York in a bag.

48. For the conflicted environmentalist: Grande Candy Cane Cold Cup Tumbler by Starbucks (a/k/a, a reusable cup that looks disposable).

49. For the pervy carb-loader: Penis and boob pasta.

50. For the friend with the crippling OCD: Obsessive compulsive action figure. 51. For the person who really plans ahead: A year’s supply of environmentally conscious toothbrushes.

52. For that special someone who’s still mourning the death of Paul the Octopus: Thomas Paul octopus shawl.

53. For the person your sibling is dating who you cannot stand: A Circuit City gift card, and/or nude drugstore pantyhose.

54. For the person who’s always saying, “I don’t want to point fingers but…” and/or your proctologist: Harry Allen gold hand hook.

55. For the nice Jewish girl: Nice Jewish Guys 2011 calendar.

56. For the wallflower: Cyclamen wall decals from Blik.

57. For the “adventurous” couple: Cheetah-print sex sling.

58. For your ex who you may or may not actually like and/or be over but want to give something to prove you don’t actually care anymore: All that crap he/she left at your place, delivered in a cardboard box to his/her home, just while everybody’s sitting down to Christmas dinner. Way better than tickets to the theater.

59. For the comfort foodie: Mo’s Bacon Chocolate Chip pancake mix.

60. For the Wall Street Journal reporter, or, really, anyone who thinks this would be sort of awesome to have: Their very own WSJ hedcut.

61. For the bitter wench who brought you into this cruel world and left you defenseless and alone: Woven Moses (and the reeds) basket.

62. For the tentative cannibal: Chocolates shaped like anatomically correct organs and body parts.

63. For your intern: Your most heartfelt thanks. Really. And any remaining Four Lokos.

64. For the person who wants a dog but can’t have one because his/her apartment is too small: Fake dog alarm, fake dog poop (in bulk).

65. For the music lover who wants a cat but can’t have one for whatever reason: Dancing pet speaker.

66. For Jimmy McMillan, and other facially adorned menfolk: Power Shave Collection fine badger power brush.

67. For the only person you can really trust. Like, with your life: Grab-and-Go 2-person 3-day complete emergency kit.

68. For that dude who is always talking about “gettin’ some”: Axe Bullet multi pack body spray 4-pack.

69. For the child left behind who will someday grow up to have a drug problem: Kid leash monkey backpack.

70. For the aspiring New York City Schools Chancellor: Basic Black: The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life) by Cathie Black.

71. For the night-terror sufferer who believes in immersion therapy: The Chum Buddy.

72. For the secret Nazi and/or Prince Harry: This surprisingly, accidentally Hitler-esque Christmas ornament.

73. For the Tea Partier who also likes to par-tay: Chi-Chi’s Long Island Iced Tea.

74. For the dietary Tweeter: The Wi-Fi body scale.

75. For the upstairs neighbors who are always having sex: See number 41. 76. For the friend whose shoulder you continually dampen with the tears of your unending sorrow: Golden Girls pocket mirror. Or Golden Girls Christmas ornaments.

77. For the angry divorcee. the Ex Voodoo Knife Set.

78. For the subway hero: NYC subway token cuff links.

79. For the indecisive: Green tights, size large, for men.

81. For the person who gets you drunk: Your eternal gratitude, and a mustache wine cork.

82. For the hipster cat owner. Hipster Kitty tee.

83. For the loneliest person you know: “Special” body pillows.

84. For the Christian klutz: Jesus band-aids.

85. For the woman or man who complains about that hard-to-tone upper arm flab: As seen on TV, Shake Weights.

86. For the person who would wear these shoes and then go kick Sarah Palin’s butt: Sarah Palin shoes.

87. For the political-minded horticulturist: Chia Obama.

88. For the birther: A doctored Obama birth certificate. Make it yourself to show you really care.

89. For the baby-obsessed germaphobe: Baby soap hands.

90. For the workaholic dad: Harry Chapin: The Gold Medal Collection.

91. For the business partner who is currently stabbing you in the back, even though you may not know it yet, or the deserving frenemy: Slippers that look like rats.

92. For your future child: Lay off the smack for the rest of the year, would ya? Also, refrain from the Twilight naming conventions.

93. For your four-legged child: Camo-print dog Snuggie.

94. For the off-the-gridder: A 100% Off-Grid Octagon House and Renewable Energy Run Adobe Home. Or…The How to Build a Compost Toilet Book.

95. For the socially networked shoe aficionado: Facebook/Twitter sneaks.

96. For the edgy word nerd: A literary tattoo.

97. For your sperm-donor: Two words: Sperm bank.

98. For the person who gave you an STD: Something from the Giant Microbes “Venereals” Collection. And maybe an Ed Hardy condom.

99. For the person with Aspergers: Transit Maps of the World, in paperback.

100. For the person you will inevitably dump when the holidays are over: See #1.

101. For yourself: A new person. And a whole new year. Happy holidays!

[JDoll][@thisisjendoll], with Myles Tanzer [@mylestanzer] and Averie Timm [@avenyc]