Red Bull Falls Prey to Loko-Scapegoating; Now They Want to Take Away All That Is Good and Holy


As someone who consumed a nearly full can of Four Loko last night and is paying for that ill-advised move in delayed mental and visual responses, circular logic, lack of focus, and a world of regret, I feel well equipped to comment on today’s latest ban of things that teenagers like. A law now being considered by the Suffolk County Legislature (a/k/a, “those narcs”) would make it illegal for anyone 19 or younger to buy energy drinks with more than 80 milligrams of caffeine per serving, like Red Bull. That aren’t even alcoholic.

Via NBC New York, bill sponsor Lynne Nowick (a/k/a, “that killjoy”) says:

“These drinks can potentially be dangerous for teens. Why put foreign things in your body when you don’t know what’s going into them? The drinks are not regulated.”

But, Nowick, circular logic or not, you put “foreign things in your body” for precisely that reason, especially as teenagers. And, by that count, do we really know what’s in Diet Coke? Or “Vitamin” Water? Or…Fuji Water? When will this end?

Another beef about energy drinks is they’re bad for people. But, for the love of God, where would be be if everything we put in our bodies was good for us? We would be boring. And sad. Frankly, if caffeine is wrong, we don’t want to be right, and if our boys can go to war, they should be able to take a Red Bull with them.

The proposal could be up for vote at some point next year, reports the New York Post. If we’ve learned anything from this Loko madness, it’s STOCKPILE.