So, People Are Going to Give You Obnoxious Crap for Christmas


What are the most obnoxious Christmas gifts ever? Gifts that are customized to remind the recipient of yours truly. This is why, despite what the Wall Street Journal is dubbing a trend of sorts (“The Rise of Holiday Me-Tailers”), you should never, ever, ever, give your girlfriend or boyfriend a yoga mat that has a photo of you giving her/him the thumbs up on it. For one, this is because when you break up, that yoga mat will come to no good end. For two, this is because, Jesus, why would you give someone a yoga mat with your picture on it?

Also bad ideas: A digital portrait of your genome sequence, M&Ms with your kid’s picture on them, a bobblehead doll that is you, your very own personal fingernail clippings in a jar. Just because we’re on Twitter and Facebook and have our own very special and important “personal brands” does not mean this sort of gift-giving behavior is acceptable. Like Mom used to say, the gift is not about you — it’s about the person you’re giving the gift to.

From personal experience, we will tell you: If you give that girl you like an alarm clock that has your voice on it telling her to “wakey-wakey,” she and her friends will mock you mercilessly, and that relationship will end before it’s ever really gotten started.

Here is a better gift guide. We promise.