After a 285-day stint, I am abdicating my post here at The Village Voice. I’m going to work for Esquire.com, so I may — as one commenter noted — continue my work as a “a twentysomething angel of death.” Yet, while I was here, I learned some very important things, and had some very memorable moments. I will never forget the following:
: Turn anything into a flow chart and watch the pageviews come right in. The Internet can be a funny, beautiful place without harming anyone. This blog is the shit. Don’t fuck with 4Chan. Blogger burnout is fake until it happens to you. Tucker Carlson is a lying fuckface. We were on Journolist and didn’t even know it! I’ll follow Jersey Shore into hell, or at least the New York Stock Exchange. Screams from the haters got a nice ring to it. The New York Post: an especially shitty place to work. The future of journalism? Drunk chicks on Twitter in Seaside Heights watching other drunk chicks fall down.
November: Black dudes are funnier than white dudes, unless said white dude is just a penis joke or 23 in-waiting. Smart people do drugs, but don’t hire them to be your elections liveblogger, especially when they’re on drugs. Which goes without saying: you will have regrets! Also, disclosures. Also: lists of videos with cats. The Yakoff Smirinoff joke never gets old. New York Times is probably too powerful of a journalism institution sometimes for their own good. Don’t blog when you’re angry. Dudes fake orgasms because we can. Jobs at Hearst may lead to awesome and totally innocuous promotions. Maybe I should look into that? You have a responsibility as a member of the press. You will probably discard it at some point. Not every party in New York City will make you more cynical than you already are. Some will restore your faith in New York City parties. Patti Smith: nice lady! Everyone has worked or will work for Rupert Murdoch. Or MediaBistro.
December: Except for me, because I’m going to Hearst to try and work my way up to the NYC Department of Education. Call Michael Wolff an asshole enough and he might try to set you on fire. Drugs are best purchased in New York City at Columbia University, where they are cheap! Yet, when all else fails, you should probably just go drink on someone else’s dime, especially Village Voice Media’s. You will no doubt have an excellent time: