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How To Write a “How To Date An Other” List

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Perhaps recalling the strange success (?) of their not-so-vaguely-racist “How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian)” column by Andrea Miller, which beget a mini-online uproar, including the oddly aggressive, nearly misogynistic but well-received parody “How To Date A White Bitch (Advice For The Non-White Dude)” and doubtlessly infinite pageviews for all involved, The Huffington Post is back today with more tips on how to land foreign ass. This time, it’s “A Fellow Ukrainian on How to Date Newly Single Mila Kunis,” ostensibly because the Black Swan actress recently split from longtime beau Macaulay Culkin. Really it’s just about making fun of Eastern Europeans (and skinny girls). This latest is more in jest than Miller’s monstrosity, but they’re both part of a growing genre, the beginnings of which might be traced back to 2002’s How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men, the comedic goals of which are hard to discern. But whether earnest or not, all of these guides are built on the same tired stereotypes, cliches and lazy jokes! Here’s how it’s done:

1) People of color like to dance! Write about that.

For example: “Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves…

2) Mmmmm, foreign food is just so yummy. Fuck a hamburger! Spices are sexy. Aphrodisiac, did you know? Write about that.

For example: “Pack a picnic basket with some grapes and crackers (LOL) and Brie…”

3) Celebrities come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Be sure to know the most famous pop culture figures with similar backgrounds to the person you’re trying to date. Write about that.

For example: (“Milla Jovovich is such a whoreface!”)

4) Something something Jake Gyllenhaal/Taylor Swift joke. Write about that.

5) Mention money because Jews love it, Russians don’t know how to use it (they’re socialists) and Greeks — don’t even get me started! Write about that.

For example: Pay for everything.

6) When in doubt, remember: India is spiritual, white people are rich and Ukranians are good at gymnastics. Word association: Italian (meatball), Asian (math), Dominican (baseball). And so on. Got it? Write about that.

Now get out there and make some lists!