Everything Dying End-Times Horror May Include…Spam


End times watch! Amid the creatures washing up on our shores or dropping out of the sky dead, spam — the digital kind — has become something of an endangered species, according to BBC News, dropping from 200 billion messages sent every day in August to a mere 50 billion daily in December.

Nobody seems to know why, exactly, but we speculate it’s one of the following:

  1. Spammers stopped spamming at Christmas.
  2. Spammers are very sensitive to loud noises, and especially fireworks.
  3. Spammers are fed up with all the mean anti-spam messaging out there.
  4. Spammers have hypothermia.
  5. Spammers aren’t human but bots, you guys, and they’re just gearing up to conquer the world with an epic and apocalyptic spam surge.

The BBC reports, ominously, “While the reasons for the decline are not fully understood, spam watchers warn the lull may not last.”

The main spam “botnets” are known as Rustock, Lethic, and Xarvester, and it’s also possible they’re simply taking time off to star in the final installment of the Harry Potter saga.

In comforting yet disturbing news, when all the spam and birds and bees and crabs and humans are gone, there will still be spam “the food group.” As they say, consistency is next to godliness. Which is next to canned meat.

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