News & Politics

Man Tries to Steal Food by Putting it in Pants, Is Unsuccessful


Food crime is not just an opportunity for the New York Post to make excessively bad puns, it’s an opportunity for all of us to laugh. Because when a guy stuffs a dozen packs of smoked salmon in his pants, there’s not much else you can do. It seems that Sergey Muzlayov (“the catch of the day at Rikers,” says the Post, who may have strained something with”Fish ‘thief’ borscht-belted in B’klyn”), had the bright idea to put “enough lox to feed a football team,” in his jeans, but sadly was caught and confronted at the Borough Park deli from which he took his salmon. This happened:

“Hey, where’s the lox?” Lichtenstein shouted.

Muzlayov allegedly pulled a syringe out of his pocket and threatened the manager, but Lichtenstein fought him to get the merchandise back.

“They started wrestling for the lox, and then other people ran to hold him down,” Stein said.

Muzlayov got beaten about the face, and has now been arraigned on charges of robbery, menacing, harassment, and possession of a weapon. Meanwhile, as befitting any great drama, questions remain in the air:

“We’re going to decide what to do with the lox,” Stein said. “We could put them back on the shelf if we wanted to.”

Also, the lox was asking for it:

“No one has stolen lox from here,” he said. “But nothing surprises me. The lox were an easy target.”

Read the whole story. You might as well.

Related: “Turkey in Pants” Heist Does Not Pan Out for Local Teen

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