This evening at 6 p.m., you’ll most likely be tuning into the Super Bowl to watch some football team play some other team. I think its the Packers vs. the Seahawks or something. The Steelers. The Packers vs. the Steelers.
Look, you could join the lowest common denominator and melt your brain in front of one of the most grandiose commercial spectacles ever devised. But there are many more brain-melting options available to you today. A guide:
The Puppy Bowl
Need I say more? It’s puppies playing football, or something. I don’t even know what it is. The point is, it’s puppies.
(Animal Planet, starting at 3 p.m.)
The Jersey Bowl
It’s a Jersey Shore marathon. This season kind of sucks, but this isn’t a bad alternative. Post up on your couch with some Ron Ron juice and a jar of pickles.
(MTV, starting at noon)
Sex and the City marathon (Sex and the City Bowl?)
This is on E!. It’s literally the anti-Super Bowl; like, if the Super Bowl snake were to bite you, SATC would be the antidote.
(E!, starting at 6 p.m.)
Whatever you have on your DVR (DVR Bowl)
Old episodes of House Hunters International, maybe? Whatever you have on hand. Tabatha’s Salon Takeover?
(your DVR, starting immediately)
Read a fucking book (Book Bowl)
(a book, starting probably never)
That’s all I’ve got. Who am I kidding! You’ll be watching the Super Bowl anyway.