Music

Top 10 Super Bowl 2012 Halftime-Show Possibilities

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So another enjoyable terrible Super Bowl Halftime Show is in the books, and as we wash “I Gotta Feeling” out of our eyes and ears for the thousandth time, the question becomes: Who will grace the stage in 2012? How old will their most famous album be? Will your mom like it? Will Twitter? Will you? Let us now gather the most likely suspects and complain about them in advance.

Taylor Swift
It’s awfully surprising that this hasn’t happened yet, unless it’s the mere fact that she can’t sing live at all, but on the other hand that’s not exactly among the criteria.

Taylor Swift’s Adversaries
This is basically the only way to get Kanye West involved, unfortunately, and frankly John Mayer would thrive in this environment. Guest skits/blog-post recitations from Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bob Lefsetz, and probably a bunch of dudes she went to high school with.

U2
2012 would mark the 10-year anniversary of their last Super Bowl appearance, a legitimately affecting 9-11 tribute unmatched in the decade since in terms of gravitas, if not overall competence. They’d work much better with some sort of horrific national disaster to play off of; the new U2 album may actually suffice.

Lil Wayne
It’s about time an actual NFL fan got the nod here, and if Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger are morally redeemable the whole Riker’s interlude shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. I greatly look forward to the conversation I would have with my mother about this.
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Elton John/Billy Joel
We’re running out of actual aging rock stars to throw at this problem, so might as well get this old quasi-band back together. I would say James Taylor/Carol King but that’s a pretty bizarre tonal shift in terms of physical/emotional violence.

ZZ Top
Just reading down the classic-rock depth chart, we find an iconic look (imagine the bullshit Fox robot in a full beard) and plenty of culturally ingrained jams the whole family can agree on — “Sharp Dressed Man” is, like, 10,000 times better than “The Time (Dirty Bit.)”

Eminem
Oh, hell, bring the thing to Detroit and let the guy go nuts. That Chrysler ad was actually pretty good, right?

Unlikely Billboard #1 Albums 2011
Cake! Amos Lee! The Decemberists! Whatever other appalling chart-toppers are yet to come!

The Dave Matthews Band
Sorry, but this will probably happen in your lifetime.

Lady Gaga
This had better happen in your lifetime.

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