A Potential Article For the Tea Party Magazine


The official Tea Party magazine, the Tea Party Review, is set to be released next week. They recently announced some of the stories they will be running, including “Obama’s War on the First Amendment… and the Rest of the Constitution” and “The Left’s War on Science and Reason.” We here at Runnin’ Scared simply can’t wait for this sure-to-be-awesome rag to come out — so we’ve written an article on spec from one of their actual headlines:

How the Top Colleges Turn Kids into Stupid Leftists

I’m not going to get into arguments on whether or not my alma mater is a “top college,” but I can assure you one thing: It can turn kids into stupid leftists just as good as Harvard, Yale, or any other stuffy Ivy.

It all started during orientation. I remember nervously sitting in the auditorium with a group of strangers, wondering which ones I’d end up forming lasting bonds with over the next four years. Before we could even start introducing ourselves, Bill Ayers ran on stage to a rousing ovation.

“Who here is excited to start the journey of a lifetime?”

We all cheered.

“Who here hates America?”

This brought the house down! We broke into small groups for name games and bomb-making lessons. Brian, the upperclassman leading my circle, told us that when the bloody revolution against capitalism begins, we’ll all need to join forces to bring the pillars of free enterprise down to their knees.

“Gee, Brian,” I remember thinking, “it’s only my first day!”

Soon came Rush, and I was dead-set on joining the coolest fraternity on campus: ACORN. Hazing was tough; I had to forge so many welfare checks for pimps and prostitutes I thought my fingers were going to fall off! Once I got in it was all worth it, though, and it was at one of our Voter Fraud Keggers that I met my current spouse (who is another man, of course).

Don’t for one second think that it was all partying. Education was paramount, and our classes were tough. Sophomore year I was half-asleep after pulling an all-nighter studying for my abortion-administering exam, but I still managed to pass with flying colors.

The thing I’ll definitely miss most, however, is dorm life. I still long for the nights of smoking pot with my undocumented foreign roommate, blasting MSNBC and following the traditions of non-Christian religions till the early morning.

I recently went back to my freshman dorm and I couldn’t believe how young and innocent the kids running the halls looked. I still knew, deep down in my heart, that these fresh faces would too grow up to be stupid leftists.

And I couldn’t be any prouder.

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