New York

The Eight Funniest Things I Said to Keith Olbermann

by

As Keith Olbermann prepares to move to Current TV, let’s reminisce about the naughty things I used to say to him on air — utterances that would make him simultaneously blush and egg me on.

Here are the cutest/bawdiest:

8) On nightmare minister George Rekers getting caught with a rent boy named Roman:

“Rekers puts the ‘broken hip’ in hypocrisy. But when in Roman…”

7) On the guest list at Rush Limbaugh‘s wedding:

“These people would have lynched me on sight. They would have thrown lit matches at my polyester outfit. Clarence Thomas would have been poking me with the pubic hair from his Coke. Actually, it sounds like fun!”

6) On the proposed porn industry bailout:

“There are a lot of concessions we can make. Barney Frank is going to want to be the fluffer on Schindler’s Fist…We need a Committee to Bail Out ‘Hos and Pimps now that people are actually turning to their spouses for a hummer!”

(5) “Jennifer knew it was Angelina calling for Brad when she looked at the Caller ID and it said ‘550-WHORE OF BABYLON’.”

(4) “Carrie Prejean is so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the sofa. She thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository. She’s a human Klaus Barbie doll!”

(3) Asked if there’s a corresponding agency to NARTH, one that tries to convert straights to gay: “Yes! It’s Liza Minnelli! One date with her and you’re wearing boas and lip-synching Gaga songs.”

(2) Re Carrie Prejean’s reliance on God:

“If this is the same God that booked her on that nudie shoot, I think she needs to switch agencies. But she’s right about freedom of speech. Dumb comments should be protected — but not bad behavior and tacky earrings.”

(1) “Discussing the RNC visit to a sex club, which they claimed was an art space:

“I agree, but then again I think Planet Hollywood is a museum. And this is great. Next they’ll be buying up Mapplethorpes as if they were Keanes and making art with their own bodily fluids. Talk about GOP!…Of course in any art place, you pay for some bottle service and maybe a lapdance from the Mona Lisa and some light frottage from the Venus DeMilo — though she’s not that big on fingering.”