Barbie Should Have Told Ken to Fuck Off


So, Barbie and Ken are back together. On Valentine’s Day. Perfect. Is anyone else a little bit suspicious about this joyous reunion? Anyone else wondering why now, after seven years, after a grueling and tear-filled breakup between the two blonde plastic lovers (who started dating way back in the madcap summer of ’61), they would choose to reunite not only on today of all days, but ever? And why, after all that they’ve been through, the two would even consider merging their Facebook pages? Mistake! Mistake!

Sure, maybe Barbie’s agent told her it was the best way to regain her image, which has been crumbling since those slutty Bratz Dolls came on the scene and acted like they owned everything, and then Ken was caught in flagrante delicto with Skipper, and poor Barbie had to start dating that “Australian surfer” Blaine, who was only really good as a character back in Pretty in Pink anyway (so what if it’s spelled differently? Same guy).

But the fact is, getting back together with the person you broke up with on Valentine’s Day — even if it’s been seven years; even if you are 11 and a half inches tall and a doll; even if it does seem like a good “career” move; even if the marketing team wants it so bad they can taste it — is never a good idea. So much pressure!

Beyond that, Barbs, we think he’s using you. You were always the more famous one, and you’re soooo beautiful, despite your age (which really shows just around the eyes; it makes you look intelligent!). You were the tiny-footed one we always wanted to play with. Meanwhile, Ken was there only for practice kissing and “going to work” and when a man-form was needed to move something around the Barbie Mansion. What’s up with that? You can pay a dude for that, we know a great service in Astoria. What’s Ken really gonna do for you?

Here’s how Ken won back Barbie:

    • Ken created a special “Barbie Cupcake” at Magnolia Bakery.
    • Ken crowd-sourced his reunion with Barbie via Mattel’s website.
    • Ken used other forms of social media to get Barbie back, like Twitter and Facebook! For example…
  • Ken slapped his face all over billboards in New York and L.A., and bought an ad in Us Weekly to “capture Barbie’s attention.”
  • Ken appeared on a Canadian TV show to attempt to woo Barbie.

After all that, Barbie finally gave in and posted, “After seven long years apart, Ken and I have decided to rekindle our romance. A doll knows when it’s love and I’ve finally realized that my heart only beats for Ken.”

Oh, Barbie. Despite all the grand gestures, at the end of the day, he’s the same old not-even-anatomically-correct plastic man you broke up with in 2004. This is called “returning to the well,” and it’s generally not advisable.

Anyway, good luck. At least you’ll get a date out of it for V-Day.

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