Books

Borders Bankrupt, Insert ‘Chapter 11’ Joke Here

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As we mentioned in our morning link roundup, book retailer Borders is filing for bankruptcy and closing a third of its locations after posting losses of $680.6 million since 2007. Reuters reports that “the chain still faces questions about its longer-term survival in the face of competition.” In light of all this, we would like to offer some tips on not only how to stay competitive in the cutthroat world of chain bookstores, but how to thrive!

Let the restructuring begin!

Change Your Name
Face it, the name “Borders” is forever attached to “failure.” Jazz it up! When people stopped going to Radioshack, they starting calling it “The Shack” in ads. Kentucky Fried Chicken changed their name to “KFC” due the negative connotations of the word “fried.” What we’re trying to say is, the names “Radioshack” and “Kentucky Fried Chicken” are available.

Sell Coffee
Wait, you already did that? Yeah, that is a stupid idea.

Follow the Model of Airport Bookstores
The bellwether for all consumers is a tired person rushing to make a flight to Spokane. Airport bookstores are still making money because they cater to this key demographic. Why the hell are you selling Dostoevsky and Jane Austen? If shoppers aren’t greeted by a three-foot-tall stack of Dean Koontz’s Velocity, there’s no chance of them sticking around.

E-Books
Apparently, this is a thing. We’re not entirely sure, however. Look into it.

Sell Smut
You don’t even have a porn section. Sure, printed pornography isn’t profitable because of the Internet, but there’s a solution: Sell stuff you can’t even put on the Internet. Not sure what that is? Email us, let’s talk.

Make Books More Interesting
Most books don’t have enough action or drama; that’s not your fault. What do movie studios do when they get a script that they don’t think will sell? They change it. Take some liberties with the books you’re pushing. Goodbye, Columbus?, Hello, helicopter chase! The Importance of Being Earnest? The importance of hairless triplets who can predict future crimes! Huckleberry Finn? Huckleberry Kardashian!

Burn Those Fuckers to the Ground
You got insurance, right?

Good luck, Borders! We’re sure you’ll end up fine.

Borders files for bankruptcy, to close 200 stores [Reuters]