10 Astounding Nutritional Discoveries of the Future


Too many omega-3’s will quite literally turn you into a fish!

Nutritionists tend to be full of shit. One day they tell you to eat margarine, then change their minds and say margarine will kill you. Generated by meaningless correlation studies and based on shaky science, so it is with most of their pronouncements.

I can’t tell you how many close friends have become obsessed with omega-3 fatty acids. Ditto with antioxidants and fiber. And now everyone is scrounging around for cognitive enhancers.

Since nutritionists reverse their recommendations all the time, here are some of the things we expect to hear from them in the future.

1. Melamine is good for you. Remember when cats and dogs were dropping like flies because food imported from China contained melamine, a chemical whose sole purpose seems to be fooling chemical tests into thinking a product contains protein? Well, your body will be fooled, too, and nutritionists will discover that melamine has beneficial effects in weight loss, strengthens bones, and makes you look younger, too.

2. Eat lots of animal fats. This is something we know instinctively as we chew our 10th piece of bacon, or go down on a luscious plate of Buffalo wings. Nutritionists make the dumb-headed assumption that dietary cholesterol equals blood cholesterol, when there’s little evidence to substantiate this. The body is perfectly capable of manufacturing tons of the stuff on its own, thank you, whether you bolt bacon or not.

3. Vitamins are really, really bad for you. Unless you’re suffering from rickets or scurvy, dumping huge quantities of individual vitamins into your body is like giving yourself a kick in the kidneys. Most non-impoverished diners get all the nutrients they need from the food they eat. Buying daily multivitamins is stuffing wads of cash into the drug company’s pockets.


4. Take Viagra every day. The drug was originally developed by Pfizer to fight hypertension, but it turned out to have an interesting side effect. That side effect will be a mere annoyance compared with the benefits that will be discovered — enhanced hair growth, stronger bones (in addition to a stronger boner), and superior bowel functionality.

5. Alcohol is essential for pregnant mothers. We’re kind of cheating on this one, because ob-gyns have already been saying that a drink or two on the part of pregnant women has a salutary effect on the mental health of the mother that cancels out detrimental effects on the fetus. Hey, babies like to get tipsy, too.

6. Eating Big Macs will enhance cognitive functions. A chemical will be discovered in Big Macs — possibly created by an interaction in the special secret sauce — that will boost IQ by 10 points. There will soon be lines at every McDonald’s of scholarly customers seeking out the duplex burger for its beneficial effects on the brain.

7. Omega-3 fatty acids will turn you into a fish. Already, observers in emergency rooms have seen patients wheeled in on gurneys exhibiting the symptoms of walleye disease (WD), in which your peepers migrate to the sides of you head, and scales form on the skin. Avoid omega-3’s at all costs!

8. Fiber is bad for you. Look at a bowl of oatmeal. Gray, lumpy, unappetizing — unless extensively dressed with butter, sugar, and milk. In extreme cases of oatofilia, the drab Scottish grain forms an insoluble lump in the intestines that can be addressed only by swallowing a lit firecracker.

9. The very framework of modern nutritional science is wrong. There’s no such thing as four food groups, there’s only one — and it’s called “Food.” And there’s no reason to eat three “square” meals a day — you can do just as well on two “hip” meals, or just one.

10. Sex will make you dumb. All that pumping up and down is like suffering blows to the head in a prize fight or football game: Tiny capillaries in the brain burst, and your IQ drops by 0.01 every time your experience an orgasm. What does this have to do with nutrition? Nothing, except nutritionists are probably wrong because they’ve been having way too much sex with drug-company bosses.

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