As much as we respect and adore our bosses and even our sniveling coworkers, there are certain things that should be kept to a minimum among people who slave away together on a daily basis. One of those things is yoga. There are several reasons for this, among them, spandex, sweating, a lack of shoes, and a general sense of pervasive, uncomfortable awkwardness. While the New York Post seems to think that yoga with the coworkers is just wonderific, even a trend, proclaiming “yoga is the new golf!,” we beg to differ. If you catch your boss in any of these positions — all fairly basic to a beginner yoga class — you may be forced to take a leave of absence. Health, schmealth, who can afford that?
5. Downward Facing Dog
On all fours, butt in the air — higher! higher! — arms outstretched, blood rushing to the head: What’s wrong with that? Looking up to see your boss’s ass right in front of you. Still, it’s a GREAT stretch.
4. Half Lord of the Fishes Pose
This just looks ridiculous, as if you’re telling your boss to “talk to the hand.” Bosses don’t, as a matter of principle, talk to hands. That’s why they get paid the big bucks, and why you’re not getting a raise. And what’s a “half lord of the fishes,” anyway? Sounds like someone who doesn’t want to hunker down and get the job done, if you know what we’re saying. There’s no “half lord” in “team player.”
3. Standing Straddle Forward Bend
A/K/A, “Prasarita Padottanasana.” If the “straddle” didn’t clue you already, listen for the next four words: “opens up the hips.” Your hips should not be opened in the workplace. No one’s should. Don’t ever “spend some time here breathing deeply into the hips” in the workplace. That’s what the sexual harassment policy is there to protect against.
2. Happy Baby
Beyond its emasculating and infantile name, this pose requires that you lay on your back, bend your knees inward toward your stomach, grab your feet, and rock back and forth like
an imbecile a happy baby. Just look at the image above. Not that it needs to be said, but if you’re “happy” and a “baby,” you’re likely not married to a soul-sucking job in which your boss makes you do yoga.
1. The Cat-Cow Stretch
This pose, which involves a sultry undulation between “pelvis up!” and “pelvis down!”, is bad enough while packed among strangers at Yoga to the People. At least what happens at Yoga to the People stays at Yoga to the People. We cannot say the same for what happens in the conference room.
There are a million more like these, and for advanced practitioners, the options are even worse (two-person acrobatic office yoga is a definite no-no)! Stick to drinking as networking, please. At least that way no one remembers the embarrassing things that happen.