You know, publicists’ ideas of what would make a great story.
I get ’em all day long. Pitches aimed at a catcher with a limp wrist who keeps fumbling the ball!
I just don’t give a shit!
The absolute worst volleys I tend to get are:
5) “Last night, there was an amazing celebrity party at blah, blah. Here are the pictures you can use.”
But you didn’t invite me! Drop dead, gorgeous!
4) “Blahblah.com polled random people to predict what’s in store for blah, blah celebrity. 53 percent think she’ll get divorced. 22 percent think she’ll get herpes.”
Oh, please! I predict I won’t run that!
3) “Need an expert to talk about Charlie Sheen‘s latest meltdown? We represent Waldo Cragmeyer, a small-town Iowa pharmacist who’s available for interviews.”
No, thanks. I’ll just text the whore.
2) “So-and-so from ‘Gossip Girl’ was spotted holding a can of blahblah water. Here are the pictures.”
Yeah, because you paid them to hold it for a photo! And even if you didn’t, what the fuck do I care what kind of water someone from Gossip Girl drinks! Shove it!
1) “You’re invited to cover a glamorous premiere. Arrivals only!”
Shove it up your ass only!
In fact, 37 percent say you will gag!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on February 22, 2011