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The Five Worst P.R. Pitches of All Time


You know, publicists’ ideas of what would make a great story.

I get ’em all day long. Pitches aimed at a catcher with a limp wrist who keeps fumbling the ball!

I just don’t give a shit!

The absolute worst volleys I tend to get are:

5) “Last night, there was an amazing celebrity party at blah, blah. Here are the pictures you can use.”

But you didn’t invite me! Drop dead, gorgeous!

4) “ polled random people to predict what’s in store for blah, blah celebrity. 53 percent think she’ll get divorced. 22 percent think she’ll get herpes.”

Oh, please! I predict I won’t run that!

3) “Need an expert to talk about Charlie Sheen‘s latest meltdown? We represent Waldo Cragmeyer, a small-town Iowa pharmacist who’s available for interviews.”

No, thanks. I’ll just text the whore.

2) “So-and-so from ‘Gossip Girl’ was spotted holding a can of blahblah water. Here are the pictures.”

Yeah, because you paid them to hold it for a photo! And even if you didn’t, what the fuck do I care what kind of water someone from Gossip Girl drinks! Shove it!

1) “You’re invited to cover a glamorous premiere. Arrivals only!”

Shove it up your ass only!

In fact, 37 percent say you will gag!

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