Equality

I Have a New Name!

by

Just when you got used to calling me Shine — and I want to personally thank the three of you who went along with that gambit — I’m feeling a whole new identity sweeping over me like a moon shower.

Mind you, “Shine” was exciting — dazzling, almost — but a little too glib, too restricting, and it didn’t appeal to my taste for condiments.

After all, in an age of constant name-calling, it’s crucial to pick just the name you want to be called and force people to adhere to it.

And so, I’m an artist formerly known as Shine.

My new name is…(trumpets)…

Herbed Mayonnaise!

Got it?

Not Herb, mind you — Herbed.

It’s the kind of name I can finally respond to with my head held high and nostrils flaring.

And whenever you say the name, I implore you to say it in full:

Herbed Mayonnaise.

Say it loud and there’s music playing.

Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.

It’ll be much better for you to say it than to eat it!