Nobody likes a heart attack. And according to a new study in The Lancet, most of the things that you actually enjoy in life have a chance of giving you one: “Coffee, alcohol, sex, even breathing — can all help spur an attack.” Ack! Stop breathing, now!
Researchers have determined that coffee drinking is linked to 5 percent, booze to 5 percent, pot smoking to less than 1 percent, and sex to 2.2 percent of heart attacks. Happiness (yes, even happiness) caused 2.4 percent of heart attacks.
However, before you get all “negative” (4 percent of heart attacks), know that things you despise can also cause heart attacks, and in even greater percentages. Air pollution while stuck in traffic is actually linked to 7.4 percent of heart attacks, while “exerting yourself physically” was linked to 6.2 percent. Eating so much that you feel physically ill triggered 2.7 percent.
The most definitive path to having a heart attack involves the simple matter of blocking blood flow to your heart, but if you want to be an overachiever about it, you could eat too much while exercising, then sit in pollution-filled traffic with a mug of booze-laced coffee as you get a blow job, snort an 8-ball, and breathe, vacillating wildly between happiness and rage.
Yeah, you’re pretty much a goner. But, man, you knew how to live.