Charlie Sheen, We Hardly Knew Ye … Until Now


Well, kids, Charlie Sheen, the man who brought us so many wonderful cinematic and tabloid memories, appears to have decided to fling himself onto the massed spears of the collective media, in what is being described as a “radio rant,” which resulted last evening in the cancellation of his moving, poignant sitcom, Two and a Half Men, for the season. His sin, according to the New York Post? Blasting his producer on the Alex Jones radio show. (Jones confesses, by the way, that he’s seen Sheen’s hernia!)

Some selected quotes, for those of you who are deeply masochistic and “bound by these terrestrial descriptions”:

“He might be nails, but I’m frickin’ bayonets. I am battle-tested bayonets.”

“Look what I’m dealing with, I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns. I don’t have time for their judgment and their stupidity and they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and they look at me and they say [In robot voice] I can’t process it.” (After this, Jones says, “Wow, I am speechless.” Uh, yeah, us, too.)

On his producer: “I’m excited to get back to work…If I bring up these turds, these losers, there’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold. I have real fame. They have nothing. They will lose the rest of their lives. Bring me a freakin challenge, somebody.”

Also, on his producer: “It nothing this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine, mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy…Last I checked Chaim, I’ve spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.”

“I’m sorry, man, I got magic, and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips.”

“I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

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