And now for the awards portion of the evening! Full disclosure: the three of us have seen only five of the Best Picture nominees. Not that it matters. So:
Myles: This montage is like those DJ Earworm mixes.
Rosie: Scared of this montage.
Jen: Seriously, I might need to take a Xannie.
Jen: Oh, Alec Baldwin. Remember when we used to work out together?
Rosie: I want this to be good. So far…
Jen: oh, I get it, they’re visiting all the MOVIES.
Rosie: Haven’t this been done like 5,000 times?
Myles: Anne Hathaway is funny! #surprised
Rosie: Who’s funnier? Hath or Franco?
Jen: their scriptwriters are funnier.
Rosie: the Brown Duck? Come on. Alec Baldwin is best in Wegman’s commercials.
Jen: Who’s hotter? Baldwin or Freeman?
Rosie: Well Baldwin is such a Baldwin.
Myles: SUCH a Baldwin
Jen: But Freeman is such a Freeman!
Jen: Quit with the semi-witty banter and make out!
Rosie: I want Ricky Gervais to storm onto the stage and turn this thing around.
Jen: Ugh this is lame.
Rosie: This is awkward, this mom thing.
Jen: Mom jokes are so 2005. Grandma jokes, those are good, though.
Rosie: What the hell is going on.
Jen: Are we not calling him Marky Mark anymore?
Anne Hathaway’s dress reminds me of a comb I once had.
Rosie: So…we’re talking about Gone with the Wind? On point.
Myles: How ‘relevant’.
Jen: How come we never talk about Joe vs. the Volcano anymore?
Best Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland
Jen: Man put funny hat on Oscar statue!
Jen: Achievement in Cinematography. Inception wins.
Myles: BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM (ed. note: Myles described that as the “Inception noise.”)
Rosie: LOOK AT FRANCO’S SMIRK
Jen: James Franco! That face!
Myles: James Franco rips a bong during every commercial.
Jen: Aw, lifetime achievement! To the man with a cane. (Myles: This is Michael Douglas’s dad)
Rosie: He’s…crazy about beautiful women?
Rosie: Okay — Best Supporting Actress. Who are our picks? I’m calling it for Helena.
Jen: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that little girl.
Rosie: This cane tussle could have ended badly.
Jen: Please make this be over soon. It makes me so sad.
Rosie: I can’t do this anymore.
Jen: I was gonna say her!
Rosie: Winner: Melissa Leo (Best Supporting Actress)
Jen: Melissa Leo wins for having the best BAHSTAN accent eVah.
Myles: Will this surprise win set the tone for the rest of the night. !?!?!
Rosie: Don’t understand her top.
Jen: I think she’s wearing decoupage.
Rosie: SWEARING HAPPENED
Jen: Yay! This is fun now.
Rosie: More swearing!
Myles: She’s still in trashy-Boston mode.
Jen: Don’t take the man’s CANE. JESUS.
Rosie: “It’s the young and hip Oscars.” That was an ad lib, and not a good one. Justin Timberlake + Mila!
Myles: Obsessed with both of them.
Rosie: There’s another Shrek?
Jen: Shrek 1 million! I’m for the Gruffalo because peeps told me. Plus it rhymes with Ruffalo.
Jen: BOOOOO. The Lost Thing? (Wins Animated Short)
Jen: Was that a burn? “The fully grown animated feature”?
Rosie: Awkward short joke via Mila Kunis!
Myles: If its not Toy Story 3, I’ll probably just cry.
Jen: I heard the Illusionist was fantastic. And, I like coats!
Rosie: It’s obviously going to be Toy Story 3. And it is! (Best Animated Feature)
Jen: Myles is so happy.
Rosie: Anne Hathaway’s hair is definitely a high quality wig. JAVIER JAVIER JAVIER
Myles: Beyonce quality.
Jen: that’s a lotta white.
Rosie: Not understanding the tuxes?
Jen: (Javier plus Brolin = one big bowl of mayo)
Rosie: HOT mayo. As I said before, I’m marrying Javier Bardem.
Jen: Adapted Screenplay goes to Social Network. whoot Mr. Sorkin.
Jen: best Original Screenplay…
Rosie: I think it should go to Inception
Myles: I think it will go to the King’s Speech
Rosie: MARRY ME JAVIER
Myles: +1 for me.
Rosie: Best Original Screenplay: King’s Speech.
Jen: Queen gets a shout out!
Rosie: Queen Elizabeth gets a mention!
Myles: “Don’t be a drag, just mention the Queen”
Rosie: Coming up: Russell Brand, Dynasty Witherspoon.
Jen: “Dynasty Witherspoon” would be a great porn name. I guess it would have to be pronounced with an emphasis on the “nasty.”
Rosie: Channelling Liza Minelli!
Jen: Oh, Anne Hathaway is going to insist on singing.
Rosie: This can’t be happening.
Jen: Is this from An American Tail?
Rosie: That was my favorite Oscar moment ever. Jen says: “Is that Musto?” Is this real life?
Jen: Charlie Sheen mention happens. Helen Mirren is not excited about Russell Brand’s hair gel getting on her face.
Best Foreign Film is…. In a Better World. Go, Denmark!
Rosie: Dynasty Witherspawn!
Myles: Reese Witherspoon is wearing a bumpit
Jen: TRACY FLICK TRACY FLICK TRACY FLICK
Rosie: What award is this?
Jen: Myles says this is “craziest moment in a film.” Best Supporting Actor? Already?
Rosie: It’s here.
Jen: Skinny Christian Bale makes me feel like eating a second dinner.
Rosie: This is going to Rush. And I don’t mean the band.
Best Supporting Actor goes to Christian Bale
Jen: Because he had to get so skinny. I really hope Bale curses a LOT.
Jen: Lots of discussion happening now about Bale’s beard. Rosie thinks there’s something wrong with it.
Myles: As a fellow bearded man I’m happy about Christian Bale’s win.
Jen: I find it effortlessly attractive.
Myles: It’s a win for beards everywhere
Rosie: There’s definitely something wrong with it.
Jen: Best Original Score…
Rosie: This is going to the Social Network.
Myles: Refuse to support Dragon movie because it’s anti-pixar
Jen: Oh, this is so the Trent Reznor, yeah. But I like the tinkling little King’s Speech music.
Best Original Score: the Social Network (Trent Reznor!)
Rosie: Trent Reznor!!
Jen: David Fincher seems unenthused by Reznor’s win.
Rosie: My ex loved NIN. (non sequitor)
Jen: Wow, James Franco, seems like we haven’t seen you in a while.
Rosie: Franco back after a long hiatus!
Myles: He took nap after the 4th bong rip.
Jen: I guess he was doing something during that Anne Hathaway number.
Rosie: McConaghey back after a long run on the beach.
Jen: Sound mixing nominees.
Myles: ScarJo needs to use the comb that was on Anne Hathaway’s dress.
Sound Mixing Goes to Inception
Jen: Sound editing…Troll scene from Toy Story 3 looks awesome.
Rosie: This one also goes to Inception!
Myles: Inception wins an award within an award. BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM (ed. note: the Inception noise again.)
Jen: That sound should have its own Oscar.
Best Sound Editing: Inception
Jen: Not in love with this new Anne Hathaway grey velvety hairy dress.
Rosie: It looks like something a middle aged Wiccan would wear to her daughter’s wedding.
Jen: James Franco is clearly losing it.
Myles: Anne Hathway is now wearing a bearclaw on her head
Rosie: James Franco can’t remember Cate Blanchett’s roles.
Myles: I feel like Tavi would wear Cate Blanchett’s dress
Rosie: This makeup award is so intense.
Jen: collective ugh from the Wolfman scene, even Cate Blanchett says “that was gross.”
Rosie: Annnddd a Lucius Malfoy lookalike accepts the award for Best Makeup.
Jen: He says he’s smiling so big “his face hurts.”
Myles: Rick Baker and Dave Elsey winners of Best Makeup
Jen: Costume Design….The woman accepting the costume design award has very costumey long sheer gloves.
Myles: Best Costume Design: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland
Rosie: Obama appears! favorite movie song is “Time Goes By”. Kevin Spacey presenting Best Song.
Myles: From Casablanca FYI.
Jen: Kevin Spacey is singing. It’s annoying.
Rosie: George Clooney joke. Obligatory.
Jen: Where is Clooney? Randy Newman is an Oscar God.
Rosie: Randy Newman. Always and forever.
Myles: <3 u randy newman
Jen: That was a fun little interlude of delightful tune-age. Oh, right, they’re playing all the songs in sequence. Mandy Moore a vision in indigo. And it’s a DUET.
Myles: This song is from Tangled. I wish Mandy Moore was singing “Candy”
Jen: Who’s the dude?
Rosie: No clue. I love high school musical theater! (ed. note it turns out the dude is one Zachary Levi.)
Rosie: James Franco can barely open his eyes.
Amy Adams and Jake Gylenhaal take the stage.
Jen: Pretty dress, pretty hair.
Rosie: Amy Adams is dressed like the night sky.
Jen: “Shorts are the hardest categories to pick on your Oscar ballot” says Jake Gyllehaal. Then gives us a reminder to actually watch them. Thank you, sir.
Myles: I feel like Jake Gyllenhaal just gave the “bloggiest” answer to “Why you should see short films” (it’ll help your oscar predictions).
Jen: (The Shorts award goes to…a movie you probably haven’t seen.)
Rosie: Ok so this is for Best Documentary Short.. goes to Strangers No More
Jen: Shorts speech is … short!
Myles: Best Live action short film. God Of Love looks adorable. Wish 143 looks tragic.
Jen: It does look cute! Whee, it won. (God of Love wins Best Live Action Short). Except for the scene we just saw where the girl gets stabbed with a cupid dart!
Rosie: LUKE MATHENY’S HAIR
Jen: I love this guy!
Rosie: SHOUTOUT TO NYU’S FILM PROGRAM. (full disclosure: Myles Tanzer and I attend NYU).
Jen: Collective aw for Luke Matheny’s shoutout to the love of his life. Next Anne Hathaway dress: gold, flappery.
Myles: Harry Potter Autotune is really happening right now.
Jen: Amazing Ron/Hermione autotune happening.
Rosie: Twilight Autotune.
Myles: Autotune The News is the best. The Gregory Brothers are geniuses.
Jen: Oprah Winfrey!!!
Jen: Oprah presenting best documentary.
Rosie: Dress: big, sparkly, chocolatey grey color.
Myles: I’m actually tearing up about Oprah’s speech.
Rosie: OMG is she about to present an award to Banksy?
Jen: “Exit Through the Gift Shop better win,” says Myles. Inside Job gets it (Best Documentary). Sorry Myles.
Jen: Documentarian says we should jail financiers…but this is about the movies!
Rosie: Getting a little too political. Lots of uncomfortable audience faces.
Rosie: Billy Crystal onstage. Making me laugh so much right now. Something is wrong.
Rosie: A lot of talk about Bob Hope. What year is this?
Jen: Scenes from Bob Hope hosting the 25th Academy Awards…
Rosie: Is this a regular thing? Bringing back dead people?
Jen: Is that a new laugh track or a 25th Academy Award one?
Rosie: Confusing — suddenly Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law appeared out of thin air.
Jen: Jude Law’s tie is crooked.
Rosie: Jude Law tells RDJ to relax. Lot of weird tension up there onstage.
Jen: Visual Effects…Harry Potter is up for this one. Also, Alice in Wonderland.
Jen: Inception wins Visual Effects…Is that its 3rd award? Cinematography, Visual Effects, two sound awards…
Myles: I want Black Swan to win something already.
Jen: Award for Film Editing … we’re blowing through these.
Rosie: Film Editing goes to the Social Network.
Jen: Best hug: Angus Wall, Kirk Baxter.
Myles: Best glasses: Angus Wall.
Jen: Rosie Gray is pontificating on how the Social Network wasn’t that good of a movie.
Rosie: I have a lot of opinions.
Rosie: Anne Hathaway has changed into a really pretty red dress. Jennifer Hudson comes on to present final 2 Best Song nominees.
Myles: Remember that year when Beyonce preformed all of the songs?. They should do that every year
Rosie: GWYNETH PALTROW SINGING
Myles: This whole Gwyneth Paltrow singing thing is just downright stupid.
Jen: Gwynnie has taken the stage. She’s in a frothy peach ensemble, and she is comin’ home, girlfriend.
Rosie: She changed out of the good dress, into a Dancing with the Stars outfit.
Currently yelping a country song. I think this is elaborate performance art a la Joaquin.
Jen: Best Original Song…Toy Story 3, this is Myles’s favorite.
Jen: Randy Newman! He wins everything.
Myles: WEEE BELONG TOGETHERRR.
Jen: Ok, maybe not. 20 noms, 2 awards.
Jen: Randy Newman is making Justin Timberlake and Kevin Spacey laugh and laugh.
Rosie: Great speech from Randy Newman. He’s a pro.
Jen: Notable absences…have we seen Angelina? Brad? And where is Clooney?
Myles: Meryl Streep
Rosie: Jennifer Aniston?
Jen: Yeah, does Janiston get invited to these things?
Myles: Justin Bieber? Oh he’s on this commercial. Thank god.
Jen: whew. Drew Barrymore? Tom and Katie?
Celine Dion is here, thank goodness.
Rosie: We can all relax now.
Jen: I love a good dead people montage. But I feel sorry for them. They had to die, and now to have Celine sing to them?
Rosie: Who will they leave out of hte dead people montage this year?They always leave out someone notable and people get pissed.
Jen: GAWD this song is awful. God waful.
Rosie: I feel so uncomfortable. Is this even like, a real song? She’s just moaning.
Myles: Just pure emotion and the occasional “smile.”
Jen: This is called insult to injury. And why is the song called “Smile”? That is shitty.
Rosie: Halle Berry on Lena Horne.
Myles: Halle Berry wears that dress every year
Rosie: She does!
Jen: Halle Berry has returned to her normal voice from the sexy room voice.
Jen: Lena Horne singing a little Stormy Weather, which should have been the dead people song.
Jen: Oh, Anne Hathaway’s (6th? 7th?) dress is a long, plasticy purple column.
Myles: Hillary Swank is always so bony.
Rosie: Hillary Swank could kill me with her bare hands.
Rosie: Best Director being presented by Hillary Swank and Kathryn Bigelow.
Jen: The King’s Speech wins for Best Director! Does this mean King’s is in for best picture? I’m guessing Social Network has it.
Rosie: I think the King’s Speech has it locked down.
Jen: I love “triangle of man love” as an expression. Tom Hooper says it’s him, Rush, and Colin Firth.
Jen: “He didn’t just break the rules, he ran them over in a stolen car.”
Rosie: None of us know who the man accepting an award now is.
Jen: So many triangles of man-love, so little time. I have no idea what just happened but it was sweet and lovely.
Rosie: Jeff Bridges is here. Looking handsome.
Jen: Looking rugged. I love Annette Bening.
Rosie: Ok, we’re talking about Best Actress.
Myles: Natalie Portman better win this.
Rosie: I think this is going to be Annette Bening.
Myles: Or she isn’t really the swan queen
Jen: Nicole Kidman…does she even have a chance?
Rosie: Nicole is trying so hard to move her face.
Myles: I like how Jeff Bridges is etting really personal with the nominees
Jen: “that reality is as painful as trying to move your face.”
Rosie: No offense to Jennifer Lawrence, she was good, but Winter’s Bone was a snooze.
Jen: I think it’s going to be Natal.
Rosie: Michelle Williams does not know how to dress for awards shows. Remember that beige flowery thing she wore at the Golden Globes?
Jen: OH, yeah, it had daisies.
Rosie: Best Actress goes ot Natalie Portman!
Jen: You can’t deny a pregnant lady her pickles.
Myles: Or paint chips!
Jen: Will Natalie laugh awkwardly or say the A-word?
Natalie’s most important role: concealing a fetus beneath her dress.
Rosie: Hasn’t laughed yet. Feels wrong.
Jen: Or golden statuettes.
Rosie: Not liking Hathaway’s dress or new wig.
Jen: Sandy Bullock! She won for the Blind Side, remember that?
Rosie: Javier Bardem haircut jokes.
Myles: Sandra Bullock needs a better weave.
Jen: WOW. It looks like she got out of the pool.
Rosie: Addressing Jeff Bridges as “Dude” is not funny when Sandra Bullock does it.
Jen: Sandra Bullock “duding” Bridges. Feels icky. Also, lapses into country accent. She’s really proving her Oscar cred. BEST ACTOR…..
Myles: I feel like Jesse Eisenberg is the angstiest tween to be nominated for an Oscar
Jen: Even more so than Jonathan Lipnicki? WE ALL WANT COLIN FIRTH TO WIN
Rosie: COLIN FIRTH. James Franco. Host. Nominee. Renaissance man.
Jen: YESSSSSS. Colin Firth Colin Firth Colin Firth.
Rosie: COLIN FIRTH wins Best Actor! Charming acceptance speech.
Jen: He is perfection.
Myles: So best actor and best director = best picture for sure right?
Rosie: I think it’s looking that way. Unless we get a surprise Social Network win.
Rosie: Steven Spielberg to present Best Picture. We made it.
Myles: Toy Story 3 or Black Swan are my favorite but King’s Speech is so going to win
Rosie: I want Black Swan but it’s gonna be King’s Speech. You know what? I kind of want Inception.
Jen: The King’s Speech gets overlaid over the rest of the movie clips?
Jen: Social Network, Black Swan, Inception, Winter’s Bone, 127 Hours, Toy Story 3, The Fighter, The Kids Are All Right, True Grit.
Rosie: KING’S SPEECH WINS BEST PICTURE
Myles: No surprises there
Rosie: Very predictable Oscars!
Jen: This was actually a rather boring Oscars.
Myles: Oh it was fun!
Rosie: Tony (ed. note: our beloved editor) tweets, “Is this a funeral?”
Jen: it’s true, did you see Helena Bonham Carter’s face? Very depressed.
Rosie: Anne Hathaway dress update: body sock with glitter.
Jen: Signing off…Franco is keeping it slurry. OH NO.
Rosie: Stage overrun by fifth grade choir. Singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
Myles: Staten Island represent!
Rosie: They have them doing this creepy cultlike swaying. Oscar winners flood stage.
Jen: I know! I think I saw a jazz hand. Randy Newman just laughed at a kid.
Rosie: Melissa Leo yelling “Fuck!” Anne Hathaway getting a little shouty.
Jen: Anne Hathaway high fiving like a maniac.
Myles: Having all of the winners onstage right now is just a big fuck you to all the losers right?
Jen: CUT TO THE HOTEL COMMERCIAL, STAT.
Rosie: So it’s over right? Or are there like 8 more sound awards.
Jen: 11 minutes over. Done and done.
Myles: Could’ve been worse!
Jen: Now…let’s live blog the local news.
Myles: Wonder if James Franco gets to Winter’s Bone Anne Hathaway now that it’s over
sorry didn’t get to use that all night
Jen: OVER AND OUT.