Let’s get this party started! We have chocolate marshmallow cookies, and wine, and cheese and crackers, and maybe we’ll get pizza. And, most importantly, we have CELEBRITIES CONGRATULATING THEMSELVES FOR BEING CELEBRITIES. And Billy Crystal. Whee! Herewith, Runnin’ Scared’s official live blog of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, hosted by Jen Doll and Rosie Gray, with a surprise guest appearance from our own Myles Tanzer. This will be special.
It’s 7:00. We’re here, so we might as well start talking. Red Carpet. Here goes.
Jen: Checking in with Camille Grammer on CNN!
Rosie: She’s keeping the name Grammer?
Jen: What could her special insight about what goes into these award shows BE?
Myles: Botox and tanning of course!
Jen: Ugh CNN’s red carpet has nothing on E!’s.
Rosie: Awkward Oscar floating across screen graphic.
Jen: It’s like Awards Show presented by Windows.
Rosie: CNN only uses clip art.
Jen: Russell Brand is so amazingly creepy.
Rosie: Taking the “muffin top”! [He took her mic]. New term.
Myles: The CNN commentators are a little B-List
Jen: CNN’s coverage is creeping me out.
Rosie: It needs way more Camille Grammer!
Jen: Can we change it?
Rosie: Yeah let’s go back to E!
Rosie: Okay, back to E!
Rosie: Attn: Justin Timberlake is not breathing air.
Jen: That’s good. Air has a lot of calories.
Myles’s main beef with Giuliana Rancic is that she’s married to “that guy from the Apprentice.” “You just can’t do that!” he says.
Myles: It’s a valid point!
Rosie: How old is Ryan Seacrest?
Rosie: I think he’s just ageless. JINX.
Rosie: Helena Bonham Carter looks relatively normal. I wore my hair like that to a 7th grade winter formal. Normal rhymes with formal!
Rosie: Let’s think about the presence of Kelly Osbourne here. Next to Juliana Whatshername…it’s so incongruous!
Jen: “She’s a very serious actress” is such an insult.
Rosie: Kelly Osbourne just described Helen Mirren’s body as “bangin”. Awkward….right?
Jen: She does have a bangin’ bod. CELINE DION DOES NOT AGE BECAUSE SHE IS NOT HUMAN
Jen: Javier Bardem plus Penelope Cruz SO MUCH HOTNESS. Christian Bale reminds me of two men I used to date, combined. He really does.
Rosie: I’m going to marry Javier Bardem.
Jen: I’m going to marry that man in the background. Reese — straight outta Dynasty!
Or my prom.
Rosie: Everyone’s prom. Penelope Cruz just had a baby? She’s not human obviously.
Jen: I’m not sure “really working the reds” is the right commentary, Giuliana/Kelly.
Myles: I can’t wait to see if Catherine Zeta-Jones is pregnant
Rosie: Is that a rumor?
Myles: I feel like she’s always pregnant at awards shows.
Jen: whenever I see Matthew McConaughey I just think: NAKED BONGOS. Or really nekkid.
Rosie: It’s so strange to see him in a shirt! His hair always looks vaguely wet –like he’s been running along a beach, which is exactly the reason actually.
Jen: Gwyneth might have just won me back.
Myles: She’s just so average.
Jen: She was very “oh, I just showed up here.”
Jen: Sandra Bullock is kind of a bitch! I like that.
Rosie: She also couldn’t really move her face so maybe that added to it?
Jen: I do like Gwyneth’s dress. (ed. note: huge improvement on this one from 2009.)
Rosie: The Dynasty look is big tonight.
Rosie: DONALD TRUMP. New toupée for the Donald?
Myles: The Donald has so much swag.
Jen: Trump hair watch!
Myles: That definitely is a new toupee!
Myles: Robert Downey Jr’s white tie is kinda white trash but it works!
Rosie: Nicole Kidman’s dress is TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE!
Jen: I like what that fat ruddy complected man is wearing.
I hear he just had twins, too.
Rosie: Everyone on the red carpet had twins or is expecting them.
Jen: Babies are an accessory.
Baby bumps, on the other hand…DRINKING GAME.
Jen: I just don’t care, Cate Blanchett is amazing.
Rosie: Always! That dress is the coolest by far. Maybe not the most flattering but definitely the coolest.
Jen: It might not work on an actual human person.
Myles: I feel like if James Franco wins best actor while he’s hosting, the rest of the show will just be awkward for everyone else.
Jen: He’ll have to cut off his arm to make people laugh.
Rosie: Laugh, Natalie! She’s trying so hard not to laugh. Can you imagine if you had the whole country making fun of your laugh?
Jen: By “deep experience” Natalie means she had sex. Was that gross?
Rosie: Giuliana Rancic is literally the scariest person in Hollywood. Including Charlie Sheen.
Myles: Mom just texted me to tell me that I should date Jennifer Lawrence.
Jen: You SHOULD!
Myles: We just switched to ABC from E. So much more high def and Tim Gunn!
Myles: I feel like the ABC sitdown room is a “put your keys in bowl” party
Rosie: Not sure what to make of this interview w/ J. Franco.
Jen: That woman wants to eat him with her face.
Rosie: He’s drunk.
Jen: She’s wasted and ready.
Myles: Tim Gunn has not said “make it work” in the 5 minutes that we’ve been watching it. I’m disappointed.
Jen: I’m sorry, whenever I see Timberface I just think PUBES. (ed note: what?)
Jen: Kevin Spacey looks like he eats babies.
Rosie: So Nicole Kidman is here with Billy Ray Cyrus right?
Jen: Did Kidman just admit to getting high last night?
Rosie: She likes the structure of her dress? That’s the worst part.
Jen: She’s hiding her oscar statue under it.
Jen: My source on the red carpet tells me “Also have you mentioned during arrivals that there’s a lot of highneck happening? IE, lots of hickeys.”
Rosie: Is Christian Bale’s accent real?
Jen: The black-on-black suit. Is it ever good?
Rosie: Not unless you’re Kanye. Or Javier Bardem but he could wear literally anything.
Jen: Anne Hathaway looks kinda young Republican.
Rosie: Back in the creepy sex room.
Myles: The crowd in the C.S.R. has decreased a lot. Keys have been chosen.
Rosie: The CSR is a weird scene. Not a good look.
Jen: Halle Berry…did she swallow a voice-softener? She’s let her tutu go to her head.
Rosie: I like the tutu!
Jen: PRODUCER BRUCE COHEN! I’ve been waiting for him all night.
Rosie: Steven Spielberg is patting him down.
Jen: So romantical.
Rosie: Tom Hanks is everywhere always. Are they even speaking English? How did they get on stage? So confused.
Myles: I feel like she has to be in SOMEONE’S way right now.
Okay! That’s it for the red carpet. Moving on to the main event…