Swan Murderer Wanted in UK for Swan Murder


The United Kingdom has a swan serial killer on the loose (we mean a killer of swans, not a swan who is a killer). In the past month, 31 swans have been shot to death with a pellet gun in Somerset, the Independent reports. The maniac appears to have good aim; all of the birds have been shot in their tiny heads.

There is a £10,500 bounty on this Jeffrey Swanner (seriously, that’s the best one we could think of, it took us eight minutes), and author Sir Terry Pratchett has offered £10,000 more. Very nice, Sir Terry, but you’re still a suspect — EVERYONE IN SOMERSET IS A SUSPECT!

An Avon and Somerset Police spokeswoman said the neighbourhood team was carrying out extra patrols.

Debbie O’Keefe, spokeswoman for the Secret World Rescue Centre, tries to wrap her mind around this swanocide (again, best we could think of):

“The first eight swans were clearly shot, but because the swans found since then are so decomposed we are unable to tell the cause of death for sure, but it is likely they were killed about the same time.

“It’s very upsetting and the fact this person or these people think they can get away with it — we just need to get as much evidence as possible to make sure they don’t, and that’s why if anybody comes across even just one bird in the area, they need to contact us.”

If you have any information on this cold-blooded Swan Wilkes Booth (okay, that one’s not bad), please call Secret World at 011 44 1278 783250. If you are a swan and think you are in trouble, hang up the phone and pretend to be a goose (even though that’s beneath you).

To get everyone pumped up to find this scumbag, here is the scene from The Fugitive where Tommy Lee Jones barks instructions to his search party:

“Farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse,” you say? Start looking!

23 more swans discovered dead [Independent via HuffPo]