The iPad 2 Will Change The Way You Spend $500


Steve Jobs surprised the crowd and received a standing ovation at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco today. It was thought Apple COO Tim Cook would fill in for the reportedly ailing Jobs, but the Turtlenecked One was there to announce the release of the iPad 2 in person.

After a short video about how the iPad helps doctors, students and autistic kids (really), Steve Jobs unveiled its successor: the iPad 2. Sorry, doctors, students and autistic kids, you are using an outdated product!

So what makes this new iPad thingy so special?

  • It has an A5 chip! A5! The old iPad had an A4 chip. The A4 chip is slower, it is inferior, it is everything wrong with the world. It sucks. Why are you even talking about the A4 chip?
  • It’s thinner! The old iPad was 13.4mm thick, the iPad 2 is 8.8mm thin. If you are on the toilet you can have someone slide the new iPad underneath the bathroom door so you can play Angry Birds while taking a dump
  • It comes in white. HOLY SHIT! WHITE!!! This isn’t tech snobbery; it’s tech eugenics! If you are using a black iPad at 9th Street Espresso, the barista will throw a piping-hot free-trade Americano in your stupid, outdated face.
  • It’s on both AT&T and Verizon. If you are on T-Mobile or Sprint you can sit on a railroad spike.
  • It costs $499-$699. Prepare to hear iPad owners gush about how cheap this is, despite the fact they only use their iPads on airplanes.
  • It has a $39 dongle, whatever the fuck that means.
  • You can buy a special “smart cover” that aligns itself with magnets and is made of polyurethane, “which is used to make space suits.” It is also used to make dildos.
  • It has two cameras! You can video chat with your long-distance girlfriend when she isn’t cheating on you with a guy who owns the 64GB version of the iPad 2.
  • It ships March 11th. Start getting in line, sheep.

Live Blog: iPad 2 Event []