Important news that affects all of us, each and every one, is today being reported exclusively by the New York Post: Police horses are shitting all over the Lower East Side, the “club-centric hub” to which they have been dispatched to control “rowdy bar-hoppers.”
Pause for a minute. Horses are going to control rowdy bar-hoppers? Oh, NYPD. Have you ever seen a drunk person? Drunk people are perhaps the people most unafraid of horses, aside from people on PCP, who are people notoriously unafraid of horses or much of anything. Drunk people and those on drugs are also notoriously unafraid of horse shit. Thus, it is the sober people, or the people who wake up hungover and realize they have horse crap all over their shoes after a night of rowdy Lower East Side bar-hopping, who must pay. Isn’t that always the way?
Given this injustice, Lower East Side residents and bartenders are “raising a stink over the manure minefield they’re forced to navigate” each weekend, manure which, apparently, no one cleans up because its “biodegradable.”
And, yet, reporting from the front lines:
“It’s the same as dog poop — it’s smelly,” said Fabio Jimenez, 36, a longtime resident.
Everyone who is not drunk or on drugs or a cop, or the one Jersey City resident quoted who feels that “[Poop] bags [would] completely negate the humor of horses spreading their feces throughout the city,” thinks this no pickup “rule” is pretty much bullshit.
The New York Post, meanwhile, is over the moon having gotten in so many fecal puns, and with a poop-scoop, no less! [Sorry.]