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As we reported a couple of weeks ago, the space shuttle Discovery is making its final mission. Where it goes after space, however, is still the subject of a fervent debate. The New York Times reports that as many as 21 museums and institutions have submitted proposals to house the shuttle as an exhibit. NASA’s Major General Charles F. Bolden Jr. has the final and only say on where Discovery ends up. We here at Runnin’ Scared would like to throw our humble hat into the ring; we want that space shuttle so damn bad.
We are proud to declare ourselves the 22nd institution to reach out to Major General Charles F. Bolden Jr. and have drafted the following email in an attempt to convince the NASA honcho that Discovery should retire with us. (We had a PowerPoint presentation, but when we plugged in our thumb drive the computer was all, “Can’t recognize device.” We called our buddy Mike who’s good with this stuff but he’s visiting his girlfriend in Denver, so no PowerPoint.):
Dear Major General,
Firstly, let us congratulate you on your appointment as NASA Administrator by President Obama. He made a fine choice. If you ask us, you should serve this position for life, like a Supreme Court Justice (but way cooler, because you do space stuff).
According to your Wikipedia page, you are from Columbia, South Carolina. What a beautiful part of the country that is! Go Blowfish!
We are aware that you have been inundated with requests from around the country for the chance to house the space shuttle Discovery when it returns from its final mission tomorrow. With all due respect, if you so much as consider one of these offers, you are an astro-nut (we mean that as a lighthearted jab, Major General).
Let’s take a look at our rival offers, shall we?
Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, Pier 38, Manhattan
Have you ever been here? This place is swarming with tourists. Do you really want some idiot who is on a sugar high from all the Sno-Caps they ate at Mamma Mia! getting their greasy hands all over your beautiful space shuttle?
Kennedy Space Center, Florida
The New York Times has this to say: “While most of the museums would have the orbiter sitting on the ground and build a fancy hangar around it, Kennedy would like to suspend it horizontally as if it were in Earth’s orbit, with the payload doors open and the robotic arm sticking out.”
Cute display, but ill-advised. What happens when a small child visiting the exhibit goes to play with the robotic arm just as it becomes self-aware? It’ll chop the kid right in half! Liability City, Major General; there ain’t a jury on this or any other planet that won’t side with a child severed at the waist.
The Museum of Flight, Seattle
“This week, it erected the first wall of a new $12 million wing to house the shuttle it may never get.”
A little presumptuous, right? Deny them Discovery for their hubris!
Us? Well, we’re just a simple news blog who’d take care of your shuttle real good, mister. We’d wash it every day and make sure no one draws on it. You can come and visit it anytime you want, promise.
We know it’s 122 feet long — our friend DJs at this warehouse space in Bushwick and I bet they’d be cool if we parked it there.
So please, do what’s best: give us your space shuttle.