Ever helpful Marie Claire magazine just interviewed a bed bug expert, because, you know, it’s just not good enough torturing you with advice about men and awful diets and how to do DIY dramatic eyes. Nope, not enough. So they have this nugget to share: DATING BASICALLY DOUBLES THE ODDS OF A BED BUG INFESTATION.
Well, hey. Isn’t that a pick-me-up? But Marie Claire is not all bad. They have tips for avoiding bed bug infestation when you go on your next hands-off-until-I-douse-you-with-black-market-DDT excursion with the opposite sex. Service journalism at its finest, this.
They recommend the following:
- Prescreening your guy by checking the Bedbug Registry to see if he’s infested! (In some countries, this is called stalking. That’s okay. What, do you want bed bugs?)
- Inspect your guy for bed bug bites. “People tend to look for the typical bite pattern (three red circles dubbed ‘breakfast, lunch, and dinner’ after bedbugs’ feeding habits), but you’re better off scanning his skin for a rash.” Good advice. Rashes are bad. Scanning for them, on the other hand, can be quite romantic — given the right lighting.
- Don’t go to the movies or anywhere with “plush furniture.” Instead, “Opt for ice-skating, bars without padded booths, or museums.” Never sit anywhere, and definitely don’t lie on his bed. If you must spend the night, spend it in the bathtub, wrapped in a bed bug-protective mattress cover.
- When you’re in his apartment, inspect it! Don’t ignore the place where the ceiling meets the wall, where bedbugs like to hang out. Plus, looking up makes your neck look long and slender. Also, check his electrical outlets and light-switch plates. (You can claim a shared interest in technology.) And inhale deeply for that telltale whiff of a “rotten raspberry scent” that might be bed bugs, or old yogurt.
- Communicate! Ask if he has bed bugs! If he says yes, you can still sleep with him, but not at his place: “As long as his clothes have been thoroughly sanitized, it’s OK to bring him home with you.”
Marie Claire, thank you for taking this load off our mind.
We would only add: Never go on a date with a bed bug. They never pay, and they’re pretty much all assholes.
Dating doubles risk of bed bugs [Brick Underground]