Americans are the most obese people in the world. Big whoop, if Swedes had the option of eating a Baconzilla at 2a.m. from Checkers’ late-night drive-in, those furniture-building fjord jockeys would have some extra winter weight too. Behind eating, Americans’ second favorite pastime is reading lists. Our third most cherished activity is writing them, so whenever state-by-state obesity statistics come out, we put down the foot-long Coney and start rankin’. The Huffington Post did!
Instead of boring you like the Huffington Post with a long preamble about health risks and life expectancy, we’re going to give you the list of the ten most obese states without comment, hoping you will develop prejudices and cutting asides on your own:
6. West Virginia
10. TIE: Michigan and South Dakota
That was fun, but what’s the point of statistics if you don’t characterize large swaths of people as both fat and stupid? All we need to do is find some numbers that can be perceived as an indicator of intelligence, but are in actuality affected by a series of complex factors. How about least amount of library visits per capita? Perfect, here’s the list:
8. West Virginia
10. South Carolina
Boom! Six states occupy both top tens: Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, Tennessee and West Virginia. By using these vague numbers in tandem, we are able to really knock tens of millions of Americans down a peg. This is all very important, you know, because of statistics.
Before any New Yorkers turn their noses up and insist that they’re thin and smart because they eat arugula from Brooklyn farmers’ markets and are caught up on Mad Men, consider this: New York has the third fewest bookmobiles per capita, along with the highest amount of syphilis cases.
Take that, you illiterate, syphilitic freaks.