Bronx Zoo Snake Press Conference, the Live Blog


We’ve been watching the Bronx Zoo’s press conference concerning the capture of the Egyptian cobra that has been missing for the past week. Below are minute-by-minute updates of this monumental media event.

3:58: No snake yet. Snake’s lawyer refuses to answer questions about her whereabouts. Just kidding, the snake’s lawyer hasn’t arrived, either.

4:02: AV crew appears to be setting up a PowerPoint. Crowd is buzzing about potential cobra PowerPoint. What transitions will they use?

4:03: They are giving the press 60 seconds to quiet down. Press immediately goes quiet as if to say, “We are not children.” They are at a snake press conference.

4:05: Jim Breheny, director of the Bronx Zoo, takes to the podium. He has no visible snake bites. We repeat, no visible snake bites.

4:06: Jim Breheny: “The cobra has been recovered inside the reptile house. She is alive and well…Key strategy was patience. Make her feel secure and and safe…[She was in a] non-public area…We are observing her…When we’re sure that she is in good condition and healthy we will return her to the reptile house on exhibit.”

4:07: Feed goes out. It is assumed the snake has eaten through the wires.

4:08: Feed is back. “She is in a different enclosure where the rest of the venomous snakes are.” Great, now she can tell them all how to escape.

4:09: Breheny says that officials used wood shavings with the scent of rodents to help lure her out.

4:10: A reporter asks what zoo officials “thought about the snake’s spoof Twitter account.” Where the hell did she go to journalism school? It’s the snake’s allegedly spoof Twitter account.

4:11: Someone asks about what danger the snake’s venom posed. Wait a second, we’re not done talking about the Twitter account.

4:12: Breheny says he saw the snake today and that she looks to be in “fine condition.”

4:13: “She does not have an official name…maybe we’ll do a naming contest later.” WE WANT TO NAME HER NOW, MR. BREHENY! PLEASE!

4:14: They show a photo of the snake on the large projection screen hanging above Jim Breheny. She looks fat.

4:15: Someone asks how big she is, and Jim Breheny holds his fingers aloft to display the snake’s length. No one giggles.

4:16: Breheny says that at the time of the escape, she wasn’t in an exhibit. She was in an off-exhibit holding cage.

4:17: The press conference ends. Reporters disperse to go see the lemurs. They will be disappointed as lemurs are nocturnal.