It’s hard to go wrong with pizza. Some dough, a dash of tomato sauce, and a pile of cheese will pretty much do the trick every time.
But when you do come across a misfiring slice, it’s not just bad — it’s a world crisis.
It’s a supermodel’s hip-hop album.
It’s a B-movie star’s first novel.
It’s a marriage between a male has-been and a female Oscar winner.
It’s a beggar with a cell phone.
And I know from bad pizza!
Having tried virtually every slice in this great nation, I can tell you that the lousiest one of all is most assuredly to be found at:
Any pizza place in South Beach Miami.
They just don’t know how to do it!
It’s like something that popped out of a post-apocalyptic oven and all the seasonings in the world aren’t going to remove the hint of molten lava.
Do you need to have more pronounced seasonal weather changes to be able to make good pizza?
The Miami shit is so clueless you wonder if the sun has rotted these people’s minds.
In fact, another place with too much sunshine — L.A. — has terrible pizza, too, but not nearly as awful as South Beach’s.
Where have you had really bad pizza?
And yes, Sbarro counts.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 1, 2011