News & Politics

The Government Shutdown and You: A Guide


Did you hear? The government might get shut down! If the White House and Congress can’t come to an agreement on a federal spending-cut bill by Friday, the government will be shut down for the first time since 1996. Back then, museums closed, passport applications went unprocessed, and credit cards became white-hot and burned their way through people’s pants (the last one may not have happened). Essentially, this is like that time in middle school when your teacher was sick but they forgot to assign a sub and everyone went ape shit.

Here’s what the government shutdown will mean for you (NOTE: Due to the rush to publish this, many tips were not researched and some or all may be untrue):

Emergency, military and essential personnel will still have to report to work
Listen, we’re cool. We’re not going to tell you not to loot, smoke pot on public buses, or set off fireworks in the post office. That’s not us. But we do have to warn you that stuff like the police department will still be operating, so watch your back.

Tax refunds may be delayed
Taxes? SHIT!

The Internet will still work
Or will it? If not, get used to going outside, fat boy!

Porn will flow from any opened fire hydrant
Get a wrench (a 1 3/16″ spanner will do) and open up a fire hydrant. Hardcore smut will rain down at an unbelievable rate.

You are allowed to cut anyone in line at the supermarket as long as you say, “‘Scuse me, jackwad!” while doing it
This works at all non-Key Foods supermarkets.

All iTunes gift cards will only be eligible for Eiffel 65’s smash single “Blue (Da Ba Dee)”

Zoo animals will be able to talk, but will only speak in lies
This will be a challenging experience for your child.

Blu-Ray copies of Drive Angry 3D will continue to be exciting and action-packed
No need to worry about that.

Deviled eggs, literally
You’ll know what this means, but it’ll be too late.

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 5, 2011

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