Living

The Five Worst Sexual Techniques

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These five boudoir activities are such hideous turnoffs they’ll guarantee you end up a spinster going blind.

In ascending order of awfulness, they are:

(5) Biting

Ouch! You may be a dog, but sorry, I’m not a doggie toy!

(4) Pleasuring yourself, then just rolling over or leaving

How narcissistic and rude! That’s like something I would do!

(3) Insisting on your sexual scenario and no one else’s

After I pretend to be a Boy Scout for 10 minutes, don’t you owe it to me to play Cowboy and Alien for a while?

(2) Acting like it’s your first time and it really hurts

Oh, please, honey! Save it for acting class!

And the worst of all:

(1) Texting all the details to your friends in the middle of it

Humiliating! At least take it to the bathroom!

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