Living

The Five Worst Sexual Techniques

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These five boudoir activities are such hideous turnoffs they’ll guarantee you end up a spinster going blind.

In ascending order of awfulness, they are:

(5) Biting

Ouch! You may be a dog, but sorry, I’m not a doggie toy!

(4) Pleasuring yourself, then just rolling over or leaving

How narcissistic and rude! That’s like something I would do!

(3) Insisting on your sexual scenario and no one else’s

After I pretend to be a Boy Scout for 10 minutes, don’t you owe it to me to play Cowboy and Alien for a while?

(2) Acting like it’s your first time and it really hurts

Oh, please, honey! Save it for acting class!

And the worst of all:

(1) Texting all the details to your friends in the middle of it

Humiliating! At least take it to the bathroom!

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 6, 2011

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