People With Fat Asses Should Not Be Allowed In Public


I’m not saying that we, I mean they, shouldn’t exist, mind you–just that they should be forced by law to stay home rather than be seen in view of sensitive humans.

They can just sit there and do some freelance job or other and order takeout–and get fatter and fatter, for all I care–as long as they don’t venture outside and destroy daylight with their misshapen shadows.

I’m appalled whenever I see a fat ass–especially in a mirror–and feel it can only help our society’s aesthetics if such people are simply required to stay homebound.

And I feel this is a far more humane approach than rounding them up and putting them in hard labor camps.

After all, people with grande culos take too much energy to look at, give a terrible health example to children, and worst of all, they might fall on their backsides and kill innocent bugs and vermin.

I know I won’t get any arguments on this–especially from lard-assed folks who are tired of bringing down our culture in public–but there might be questions about what exactly defines a fat ass.

Glad you asked!

I’d say it refers to anyone with a heinie that comprises 25% or more of the total body mass–though a better test might be to rush potential offenders to an airport and see if they fit comfortably in one plane seat without breaking the arm rest.

If not, it’s back home for them and their derrieres, with doors double bolted!

Like my views? Great, you can vote for me for President!

Yes, you can stay home and vote by proxy!

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 13, 2011

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