High school was about two things: being socially awkward and alleviating the social awkwardness with alcohol. Certainly, the type of alcohol didn’t matter so much, because high school sophomores are in a beggars-can’t-be-choosers situation. Anything that was artificially brightly colored did the trick. You know, like Hpnotiq, Alizé, Mike’s Hard Lemonade/Ice Tea, Bartles & Jaymes. And best of all, Boone’s Farm.
Now, there’s no question that Boone’s Farm is sickeningly sweet, but it’s also amazing. Rather than smacking of fruits, it tastes like pink, or red, or neon green! Best of all is the peach. And hello, each comes in a wine bottle, and people who drink wine are classy! And it has “farm” in the name, so it’s all pastoral and locavore — thus appealing to today’s foodie teens, for sure. But kids, underage drinking is bad. Well, not really. Just don’t go drinking and driving. That is bad no matter what.
But back to drinking and drinking. For some glorious Friday fun, Serious Drinks has come up with a Boone’s Farm taste test! TGIF!
Unfortunately, their critic only tried three flavors, and omitted many of the best ones. Like, have you seen the electric-blue one? It’s neon blue! That’s gotta win it points for something. He also didn’t care for any of them, claiming, “It’s only good a sip at a time, which in this category of booze means it’s no good at all.”
Whatever. Anyone who was cool in high school knows the immense and undying awesomeness of Boone’s Farm. Ain’t no one who can deny that.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 15, 2011