News & Politics

Stink Bugs Are Unstoppable Killing Machines That Will Bring America To Its Knees


There are a lot of evils facing this great nation of ours: Multiple wars, escaped snakes and a certain model of a Korean-made microwave that turns people’s kidneys inside-out (one of those might not be true). While our elected superheroes (politicians) bravely battle for us helpless civilians, another danger has emerged: stink bugs. These bastards are some Grade-A shitheads. Politico reports that two congressmen are taking up the task to fight these little punks.

Maryland Rep. Roscoe Bartlett and Virginia Rep. Frank Wolf are hosting a series of town hall meetings to gameplan against stink bugs. Some background: Stink bugs came to America as stowaways from Asia in the mid-90’s. They eat trees and vegetables and farmers are losing millions of dollars each year from their infestation. Oh yeah, and they stink. Here are some things you should know about your new primary enemy, stink bugs:

They are worse than the worst hypothetical situations
Rep. Bartlett said, “If I was a mad scientist creating a bug to hurt my enemy, I couldn’t have done a better job.”

They don’t give a shit if you are hosting a town hall meeting to discuss their eradication; they’re going to sit front row and mean mug your ass the entire time
“We were in a big building [for a stink bug town meeting] and I looked down at my name tag in front of me on the table and there was a stink bug crawling on it,” Rep. Bartlett recalled.

They’ll go to your vineyard, skip the promotional video on its history, go straight to the booze and get twisted
“We had them getting into the tasting rooms,” said Christopher Blosser, the general manager of a vineyard in Virginia. He and his team had to painstakingly vacuum them up because it was “the only way we could guarantee they would not be in the wine.”

They have no natural predators in this country, and that includes weak-willed, pathetic humans
Officials have mulled over the idea of importing a predator like a small Asian wasp in order to kill the stink bugs, but our country isn’t ready to play host to a wasp vs. stink bug war.

The congressmen are trying to raise money to research how to get rid of the stink bugs. Bartlett thinks “$2 million to $3 million should do it,” which is a bargain considering Mid-Atlantic apple growers estimated the bugs were responsible for $37 million in damaged crops last year.

Now is when we pray.

2 congressmen tackle U.S. stink bug menace [Politico]

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 18, 2011

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