Happy 4/20, You Stuttering, Bleary-Eyed Perma-Adolescents!


Today is 4/20: The holiday for people whose lives are holidays. After spending 364 days a year trying to find excuses to burn trees — A full moon! A Family Matters marathon! — Marijuana enthusiasts everywhere celebrate the day that is itself an excuse to get high. Don’t be fooled; everyone is stoned today. Your boss, teachers, parents, even that cop pounding at your door — they’re all totally baked. We here at Runnin’ Scared have some advice to ensure that you have a safe, healthy and productive 4/20. (Just kidding, there is no way you will be productive today.)

Go outside!
It’s late April, who cares if it’s drizzling? Take a walk, sit in the park, listen to the birds chirp. But before you do any of those things, it is imperative that you check what’s on TV. Anything good? If so, stay inside. Order food.

Listen to music!
Music’s really good, right? Like, really good. Especially this part, wait, it’s coming up. Right after the chorus. Hold on. Trust us, it’s really good. Wait, maybe it comes after this verse.

There’s nothing better for someone with short-term memory loss to do than operate an oven or stove top.

Make spontaneous, long-term home alterations!
Your house would look way cooler with racing stripes. Or a flame job! Or even a subtle plaid, like the suit the guy in your office who tries way too hard wears.

Use caution around schools or playgrounds!
Getting caught for possession in any of these areas usually results in an increased fine or jail sentence. Give children your weed to hold while you go and play on the swings; they are very trustworthy at their age.

Post pictures of yourself doing drugs on Facebook!
It’s a good idea! Plus, any company that won’t hire you because your profile pic is of you taking a hit from a 7′ bong isn’t a place you’d want to work.

Get in a fight with your dad!
He’s so lame!

Have fun, you whacked-out freakazoids. Don’t forget to towel the door.

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 20, 2011

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